It’s Up To Me

Monday 21 October, 2002

I read an article on complexity and self-organising systems from Simran’s European Journal of Oriental Medicine; vol.2 No.2 1996: Ants & Acorns by Francesca Diebschlag. It was very interesting, stating that the ultimate stability for living systems is death. A good reminder. Flexibility and adaptability exist on the edge of chaos. Disease can be caused by too much order. Stress – existing permanently in emergency mode – is too much order. I need to relax back towards chaos; look for a mix of positive & negative feedback. [Another good source of these ideas is the book, At Home In The Universe, Kauffman (1995).]

I talked to Karaj about visiting Francis at Christmas. He told me this would be letting Francis off the hook. Having confronted him in a letter about wanting to do things on his own, and reassured him in a phone call that our friendship is solid, a visit would then give the message, ‘I am needy’. I need to have respect for myself and my work. Look how easily and quickly Karaj loses people from his life if they do not fit in.

We discussed my checklists and the need for a clear, simple system. Within an hour Karaj had created such a document. No need to personalise things, just see the process. I verbalised my issue and it got sorted. Karaj told me, however, that I do not have the ability to do for myself what he just did for me. He told me to be aggressive and demand that my pain is sorted out. It is up to me to face my issues and get them sorted however I can.

Summary: A steady day. Made a start on pushing myself and my work forward and using Karaj more. That is what I came here for, after all. Stomach pain flared up before yoga because I was rushing, but it is generally more subdued these days. Talked with Karaj in the afternoon about having respect for oneself and one’s journey, being focused on what I want to achieve and not deviating from that for anyone or anything. A good trip to Oxford this evening. Have not been as tired today.


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