Not Supportive Enough. Not Good Enough.

Wednesday 30 October, 2002

Harriet and George arrived and the four of us sat together. The message of the session was, ‘stay out of things, be quiet and then you will see’. I was challenged again for not being straight with my answers (the expenditure of the loan is not complete and I tried to squirm my way out of it). I also tried to blag my way through an explanation of what I haven’t done instead of being straight. And finally, Harriet had worked on planning my office and, as Karaj said, I need ‘mummy’ to help me out because I am not capable of sorting my office (life) out. Where is my commitment to myself? Today just gets worse, and there is still tonight’s WSG to go.

In the afternoon George and I fixed the connecting door and put a new lock on the front door. It was good to get into some creative work although I still took things personally. Fuck. Towards the end when we took a break, Harriet suggested we get on with something else, but George insisted we finish the job we had started. I picked this up but did not put it into practice when we tidied up. By that stage I was feeling very tired and not looking forward to the evening. I’ve had enough (emotions). I didn’t do a full job of hoovering and tidying, and I was challenged in the WSG.

Simran and Ishwar arrived for the Wednesday Supervision Group. I was told by Karaj that I did not support Calvin because I did not speak up when he handed over his copy of a letter, or when the issue of his son’s assessment was not fully clarified. I was challenged for not tidying up properly and generally for not being good enough. I heard Karaj when he talked about his similar experiences with his boss in India. ‘Yes, Krushid. No, Krushid.‘ He never took the reprimand personally but looked instead for the message for him in what she was saying and then got the job done.

Afterwards I talked with Ishwar and Simran about the fact that we are all in trouble, we don’t confront each other, and do not challenge each other. Simran asked me, after I prompted him, when I will get my SH appraisal done. I told him Friday, and Ishwar asked me what I am going to do about my office. I told him I will sort it out. It’s not at all convincing now, as I write this.

Summary: I made it through another day. Exposed for being no good once again but at least I am taking things a little less personally. Stomach registered itself a couple of times but on the whole was okay. Glad to get to the end of today and not sure how much more of this I can take. I don’t seem to be hearing Karaj or making any changes in my attitude, and my motivation to do so seems to be getting less and less. But it’s not about motivation, it’s about getting on with the job.


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