Monthly Feedback – November 2002

Saturday 30 November, 2002

Karaj’s feedback to me for November:

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More Congruent

Saturday 30 November, 2002

During this last week, I gradually became more congruent. Back home on Monday, after a weekend with my friends in London, I started to bash myself up for not being more sociable with them. I am being too harsh and too exacting with myself because I was sociable. Nonetheless, I felt very low as I reflected on my life and how I seem to be good for nothing. Why do I do this to myself?  Talked to Karaj about my attitude towards women. He tells me I hate them. He has told me this before and I have accepted it, but now I need to take it on board. Together with the comments I found in the weekend’s summary that things got done more effectively because I was not around to cause confusion, I wonder whether I am of any use at all. A very negative day today. Thoughts of leaving are the only way to stay sane at the moment.

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A Letter To A Friend

Tuesday 26 November, 2002

This letter was written to update my close friend, Francis, on how my life was proceeding. By the end, it had become a summary of where I was at that point in my training. Further proof of the power of recording my journey. At the time, I reflected that I would not send it and Karaj agreed, adding that it is a very good and valuable piece of writing. I never sent it.

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Nothing Is ‘Over My Head’

Thursday 21 November, 2002

Yesterday, I brainstormed the product we offer, with Simran and Priya; and Karaj gave the questions for my work appraisal. Coasted a little today, not fully in control. Saw this at least and eased myself back into delegation and challenging. Saw in my feedback to George in the Wednesday Supervision Group how I try to please – AC behaviour. Just be straight. Remember the relationship with Karaj: he is my elder. Show respect.

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Not Doing The Basics

Sunday 17 November, 2002

During the first hour of the day, as we tidied the house, Dev, Simran and myself were all isolated; no teamwork. When I realised this I brought us together and we got to work on the agenda items. Even then we still managed to isolate ourselves: I was finishing Simran’s letter to his insurers, Simran was drawing his PAC circles and Dev was rewriting his learning points after Karaj had told him in the Women’s Group last night that we lacked any power.

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A Distinct Lack Of Teamwork

Saturday 16 November, 2002

In last night’s session, Simran had talked about the need for teamwork: when one member is down the others can take on his work. This was the first item on the list of agenda items for the weekend and was ticked off by Ishwar after being instructed by Dev, even though it had Simran’s name next to it. This would form the main challenge for the whole of the weekend: that we ticked off an item about teamwork when, in fact, we don’t work as a team. Priya and Karaj arrived at 22.15 and for the rest of the session Simran and Dev were challenged that they allowed/encouraged the item to be ticked when we are not a team.

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Making Myself Wrong

Tuesday 12 November, 2002

Two days ago I had further cause to examine how I make myself wrong. I do it without thinking. It’s the reason I am reluctant to do anything. Despite the evidence of my successes, I think I am going to balls it up, get blamed, persecuted. I saw the consequences of selling myself short and was able to compare this habit with the positive and empowering instances from last weekend when I took control of situations. Moreover, every time I make myself wrong, I also have a choice not to.

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I Took Control

Saturday 9 November, 2002

Karaj told me this morning that I need to get together with Ishwar and Simran and challenge Dev. I talked to Simran but Ishwar had not arrived when the opportunity presented itself with Simran and George. Karaj later informed me, as I was talking to Ishwar about it, that I had disrespected Ishwar by not including him.

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Why We Change Procedures

Friday 8 November, 2002

Simran arrived at 09:00. Both of us are in the same space: tired and hanging on. We talked, almost secretively and with a resigned ‘What’s the point?‘, of our dissatisfaction, disillusionment and confusion. For Simran the goal is to get to the stage where the challenges do not affect him. I console myself with the thought of leaving.

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My Desire To Impress

Thursday 7 November, 2002

The afternoon’s yoga session was all recuperative poses; very relaxing both physically and mentally. I felt at ease when I left. Before the session started, Brian was telling me what a good musician Danny is. I felt envious, and the inevitable comparisons started. Having recently read the Bill Hicks biography, here was another person with talent, and what do I have to offer? I stayed with it and saw that my envy has to do with my desire to impress people. I want to have a talent so that I can impress people. If I relax and stop trying to impress, then I can be humble. Talked to Danny afterwards about his band competition next Tuesday. I will go along.

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Come From ‘I’m Right’ All The Time

Wednesday 6 November, 2002

Woke up feeling much the same as yesterday: anxious. I’ve had enough and I spent the morning consoling myself with fantasies of leaving. Told myself to just keep my head down for a few more months and then go.

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No Commitment

Tuesday 5 November, 2002

Two days ago, Karaj had addressed Dev and me, saying we are working very hard but there is no commitment from us, and that is because we are emotional. He added that people simply need to be more proactive; see the overall picture, see what needs doing and do it. This morning I spent a couple of hours in a bookshop. Every book I picked up, I opened at a page about perceptions. Also, curiously, I asked a book of answers whether I should stay or go. The answer was: It would be better to focus on your work. I smiled at being told what I am told every day. Get out of emotions and into work. Right now, I’m not entirely sure I can.

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Reflections Of Myself

Saturday 2 November, 2002

Woke up feeling very tired. Emotions of wanting to be alone and to sleep. Just get on with the job in hand. We sat together and finalised this morning’s trip. Since his divorce, Simran’s time with his sons has been limited to pre-arranged dates which have to be approved by his ex-wife, Marian. This is how it has to be and it makes sense [I once said to Simran that maybe it’s not such a bad thing for his kids if he does not see them regularly, because I am not convinced that the weekend access and constant back and forth, which I went through as a child, was the best for me.] There was also a challenge to Dev to work out why he keeps disappearing

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In The Storming Phase

Friday 1 November, 2002

I snapped at Karaj because nothing I do is right. He told me I am in the storming phase and that this is where he has always told me I would find myself at some stage. Now I am here, my arrogance is becoming visible to me and if I stick around then I can sort it out but if I walk away, then I will be fucked forever. I am at the crossroads.

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