In The Storming Phase

Friday 1 November, 2002

I snapped at Karaj because nothing I do is right. He told me I am in the storming phase and that this is where he has always told me I would find myself at some stage. Now I am here, my arrogance is becoming visible to me and if I stick around then I can sort it out but if I walk away, then I will be fucked forever. I am at the crossroads.

I was challenged by Karaj that I have not done a simple task. He reiterated two points: I need to consult my to-do list more often (all the time); and not shy away from confrontation or delegating tasks to people.

In the evening’s supervision session, we talked about storming: relax when you’re in a mess (that’s the only time you should relax). I can only find myself when I’m lost, and knowing that I’m lost is better than thinking I’m not lost, which is what I have been pretending all these years. Rather than try and make sense of it all, what Karaj is telling me is to relax and HEAR him. I have stopped doing that because of my arrogance.

Summary: the storming explanation has helped me today. What I am going through is normal and natural. I cannot make sense of anything at the moment. So don’t even try. Relax. Karaj took one of my comments – about Arun not being happy – out of context. When I pointed this out to him he explained that context does not matter, because whatever I say reveals where I am. Karaj has also gone to great lengths to tell me I am incompetent. Again, it is my arrogance which has prevented me from seeing that for myself. Now my arrogance is becoming more and more visible, I have a chance to sort myself out.


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