Reflections Of Myself

Saturday 2 November, 2002

Woke up feeling very tired. Emotions of wanting to be alone and to sleep. Just get on with the job in hand. We sat together and finalised this morning’s trip. Since his divorce, Simran’s time with his sons has been limited to pre-arranged dates which have to be approved by his ex-wife, Marian. This is how it has to be and it makes sense [I once said to Simran that maybe it’s not such a bad thing for his kids if he does not see them regularly, because I am not convinced that the weekend access and constant back and forth, which I went through as a child, was the best for me.] There was also a challenge to Dev to work out why he keeps disappearing

The outing to the Severn Valley Railway lasted five hours. After Karaj said in last night’s supervision that this trip is already a fuck-up, I was able to relax a little bit more, but I still had a job to do. I talked to Simran’s elder daughter a lot and made sure she didn’t get too bored. The day was broken up quite well into short 15-20 minute activities – car, train, walk, lunch, train, car. Marian seemed glad (relieved) to have her kids back when we dropped them off. I was the only one allowed to the door of the house and Karaj made sure we parked well away from the house to avoid any ‘waving’ games.

The evening session centred around our feedback on today’s outing. Marian was relieved to see the kids because she is becoming resentful that Simran is actually doing something right with his daughters: his correspondence and the trip. Then there were challenges to me and Dev to see the learning point in Karaj’s challenges to Simran. Dev and I went out and came back in five times and still we could not get it right. Finally, Karaj eased us in the right direction, but still I couldn’t see the answer, even though it was written on the flipchart.

Simran had been challenged again and again, had become emotional, then confused, then lost. He eventually composed himself and affirmed his intentions to pull himself together and achieve his overall plan of reuniting his family in two years’ time. I was focused on his determination and it was only later that I saw where I go wrong: I always jump to the end of confrontations and challenges, trying to make sense of them so I can sort myself out. What I am not doing is seeing who I am. The reflections of myself which Karaj is offering me are showing me all I need to see and I am not seeing them. Rather, I am taking his comments personally, standing as I do at the end of the process looking for a solution. Instead, I need to be in the thick of the process, seeing who I am, rejoicing in the gift which Karaj and others are giving me: the reflections of myself.

Afterwards, I chatted with Dev about what we can do to support each other. Dev was preoccupied with brainstorms and lists. I told him all we have to do is confront and challenge each other the way he did  in the post, ‘Just Get On With Life’. We are not interested in each others emotions. All we want is achievement, results, work.

Summary: did okay with the day out, having put a lot of work into it this week, with Karaj, with the planning and the booklets. Tonight has shown me more about myself, my arrogance and how humility is the way forward. Prediction: I have taken a lot from tonight, so Dev will now promptly disappear.


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