My Desire To Impress

Thursday 7 November, 2002

The afternoon’s yoga session was all recuperative poses; very relaxing both physically and mentally. I felt at ease when I left. Before the session started, Brian was telling me what a good musician Danny is. I felt envious, and the inevitable comparisons started. Having recently read the Bill Hicks biography, here was another person with talent, and what do I have to offer? I stayed with it and saw that my envy has to do with my desire to impress people. I want to have a talent so that I can impress people. If I relax and stop trying to impress, then I can be humble. Talked to Danny afterwards about his band competition next Tuesday. I will go along.

Calvin phoned to say that he had spoken to the social worker. I challenged him because he is not recording incidents and it should be obvious to him by now that this is what he needs to do.

Out of that phone call came a conversation with Karaj. Karaj told me to get mad with people about their messing about. I told him what do I care if they fuck their lives up. The thing is, he explained, is that they are in my space and so they are fucking my life up too. And if I am tolerating it, letting it happen then I am sacrificing myself. So, if I really don’t care, why is he in my space? The best way not to care is to be straight with people.

Dev called. He will be speaking to Karaj later tonight and I needed to make sure he was certain of his purpose so that there was no messing around. He sounded tired, ill and sorry for himself at the start but perked up later in the conversation. We talked about being effective when relaxed, and verbalising. I challenged him to be prepared and alive when he talks to Karaj.

As it turned out, I ended up listening to Karaj give Dev another tirade of abuse about how shit we all are. I took it personally. With the attack still ringing in my ears I found it difficult to be positive about anything I had achieved and so I sat down and practised the breathing techniques from this afternoon’s yoga. They worked again and calmed me down.

Summary: worked steadily and was more balanced and controlled today. Still fucking around though and as soon as Karaj became challenging I reverted to my “Well, fuck it, then” attitude.  I don’t know, I really don’t know.


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