Making Myself Wrong

Tuesday 12 November, 2002

Two days ago I had further cause to examine how I make myself wrong. I do it without thinking. It’s the reason I am reluctant to do anything. Despite the evidence of my successes, I think I am going to balls it up, get blamed, persecuted. I saw the consequences of selling myself short and was able to compare this habit with the positive and empowering instances from last weekend when I took control of situations. Moreover, every time I make myself wrong, I also have a choice not to.

Today, Karaj and I chatted about my dread of the Supervision Group on Wednesday evenings, and of the weekends in general. It all starts from the ‘I’m wrong’ issue. Because I think I am wrong, I think I will be confronted (so what?), but because I don’t want confrontation I get anxious which causes me to mess up, which inevitably brings the confrontation. Over the last few  days I have started to relax with being wrong, and I am becoming more effective as a result.

Had a night out at the Hard Rock Cafe watching the battle of the bands, where I witnessed Danny’s talent first hand: guitarist, pianist, singer, songwriter. I socialised well, pastiming with people, and even managed to stay out of a football conversation, which enabled me to see how puerile they can be. Also saw how childish and gamey a couple of the men were.

Summary: rested in the morning trying not to make myself wrong for it, and worked throughout the afternoon and early evening so that I could go out and enjoy myself at night, which I did. Once again, away from the pressure cooker environment, I see for myself that I am doing okay.


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