I’ve Cornered Myself

Friday 6 December, 2002

Dev called yesterday to report on his week. He sounded drained and he drained my energy too. I told him to be more positive in his reporting and that he has clearly learnt nothing from last weekend about owning his achievements and selling himself. I was more energised afterwards and felt empowered as a result of my challenge and contribution to Dev.

In this evening’s men’s group we reflected on the year. I am not straight with people because I have no criteria of what straight is. I also went right down when the subject of my work appraisal was discussed. I am heading for my normal conclusion that everybody will be better off without me, I am no good. Held myself together until everybody left at 23:30, before crying my heart out for 15 minutes that I am no good and that I’ve had enough. Then I got down to work. I felt very negative at first, but by the time I went to bed at 01:30 I was feeling much better and the work appraisal was 95% done.

Everything has got on top of me again. I’ve had enough, cannot see that I am making progress and I’m tired of hearing how rubbish I am and how we are not supporting each other and how everybody else (who doesn’t come here every weekend) is doing well, etc. Leaving is the only way out it seems, but that is my script so I can’t leave. Maybe that’s why I feel so sad, because I’ve cornered myself and I know I have to stay.

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