Down But Not Out

Sunday 8 December, 2002

Yesterday, I saw that I need to check my own self-assessment with outside sources in order to establish, via feedback, criteria for my life. Otherwise I just go round in circles. I also became aware of how effective I am when I’m quiet, but as today showed me, there are times when I need to verbalise fully.

During this morning’s supervision session, as we set the agenda for today, I was again subdued, but made an effort to contribute, because I knew I would otherwise withdraw and go further down. However, I did not go the whole way and communicate where I am. At the time I didn’t see the point because I would doubtless have been challenged about it and that would have made things worse.

Later, I isolated myself to an extent, glad for others to work together, whilst I looked for a job to do on my own. After a challenge from Ishwar, he and I worked together on the weekend appraisal, and worked well.

Back in the group I verbalised why I was quiet, but they let me get away with it when I became sarcastic towards Dev. Eventually, and in front of Karaj, Ishwar challenged me and we talked it through. Nobody cares whether I stay or go so I might as well stay. I felt lighter afterwards.

Summary: it’s been the same all weekend. An uneasy feeling of wanting to be elsewhere yet still remaining fairly present. Today I verbalised part of my issue in the manner of a crook wanting to be caught. It took Ishwar’s intervention for me to go the rest of the way, which brought transient relief, but it is clear that this feeling is not going to go away that quickly. I am down but not out.


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