What Do I Want?

Tuesday 10 December, 2002

Spent yesterday asking myself in each moment ‘What do I want?‘ and satisfying anything that came up. It helped me to realise that I am important, I do count for something, I do have wants and when I acknowledge them I empower myself. I want more clarity – with myself and in my communication with others – and I need to allow myself to be who I am.

On our walk to the bus stop this morning, Karaj said to me: ‘I am strong and straight and people fuck me (see Aaliyah). You are soft and you fuck yourself. Your pain – physical and psychological – is not going to go away so the best thing for you to do is to come to terms with it in the company of people who are doing the same.’

Today was an enjoyable day off. It was all about what I wanted to do, say and be; and ended with some good work with Karaj too. After spending time with Danny – listening to him play piano in a bar in the city – my mind went to work on comparisons, which were all unfavourable and tended to bring me down a little. In the end, I focused on the positive aspect of knowing such a talented and positive person, rather than listen to what my mind wanted me to hear.


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