Feel The Feelings

Wednesday 11 December, 2002

My mind set to work early this morning, reinforcing yesterday’s unfavourable comparisons with Danny and moving on to theories about why I am not learning, telling myself that if I were to leave then I would make more of an effort to sort myself out. How easily the mind finds justifications for its constructs. This was all made worse when I caught sight of a comment by Harriet in her appraisal that I am too negative and that I haven’t changed at all.

I sat with Karaj for a few hours and we worked on the client statements and appraisals. His work appraisal of me was positive – all my anxieties were unfounded – and it focused more on the therapeutic element of my year, which is what is important to me. Karaj told me not to read others’ appraisals of me and, after the experience from this morning, I agreed. I allow myself to be so affected by what others think instead of standing firm about who I am, as Karaj has demonstrated about himself in the past (see the BACP case).

As people gathered for the WSG, I felt low: my usual resentment at people arriving when I just want to get away from everything. When I am subdued and serious I feel more at ease, less childish and more effective.

In the group, we set out the format for our meetings (WSG & SHG), based on the therapeutic element for each individual, making sure each person benefits therapeutically, and that they contribute to everyone else. There was also the issue of George’s anger covering up his emptiness. I do the same. I get annoyed at the world instead of just being fed up. If I stay with my fed up-ness then eventually self-realisation will occur.

Related posts: Feel My Feelings | The Importance of Feelings

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