It’s What I Want

Friday 4 April, 2003

This morning, as the three of us sat together in the cottage in the garden, Karaj challenged Dev: ‘Life is hard but it is simple. Stop comparing yourself. Look at what you have achieved, look at your starting point. Take things step by step and remember: you put yourself in hell the day you decided to sort yourself out.’ This is applicable to me too, of course. Relax and know that it is tough but it’s what I want.

We spent the rest of the day tidying up the conservatory corridor. It was good, steady work; and unemotional, although every now and then I reacted to the pain in my body with frustration and annoyance. Need to verbalise (release) this when it occurs.

Late afternoon, George and Ishwar were also present. My contribution to the discussion was that it is important for me to achieve something before I go to bed so that I can wake up in the morning with a ready-made sense of achievement. Also, it is good to have others on board, because it frees me up to move on. Karaj told me not to say this as it may cause jealousy in the others. Just say it’s good to have them on board.

In the evening’s men’s group, we discussed the issue highlighted by Dev’s inability to inspire others to help him with his filing. SERVE OTHERS. Can I serve others in all I do? If the answer is yes then do it. If no, then don’t bother.

Summary: A physical day. I was aware of my emotions. My body felt strange this evening. I couldn’t feel it fully, there was a lack of feeling in my legs and a dull pain in lower back. I felt run down. Mentioned this to Karaj and he just told me about his pains. Well, at least I verbalised it and his reaction did not allow me to dwell on my pain or feel sorry for myself.


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