A Revealing Day At The Beach

Monday 7 April, 2003

I chatted with Karaj about about how I take inspiration from sport. Those who succeed follow the same procedures as are instilled here: determination, discipline, belief in the process, and vision. I also talked about how I am feeling good about myself and the fact that Shona, like Arun, wants Karaj to change when it is precisely his consistency that people need.

We spent the day at the beach. Shona came with us. On the journey, Karaj and Shona discussed Shona’s issue. Karaj was forceful with his point that Shona concentrate on her vision of going to India to find herself rather than the distraction of selling the house and getting out of teaching. It was draining for me to listen to their conversation, although I saw that Karaj is doing a fine job of handling a tricky situation. Shona has a tendency to disturb, whether she is high or low. When she is balanced she is a joy to be with but, as with me, it is the extremes which are so destructive.

Aside from that, it was a very peaceful day. I watched a girl exercising on the beach and felt envious of her ability to do so, hoping at the same time that we would be back in time for my yoga session (attachment). I felt a little lonely and in need of a companion as Karaj and Shona walked hand in hand along the beach.

When we stopped to watch the sun go down I was disappointed and annoyed at missing the yoga but, having verbalised this to Karaj, I felt better and was able to enjoy myself. My role for the day had been to be present while Karaj and Shona talked things through. In contrast to the romance on the beach, this side of their relationship is enough to put me off marriage for good.

Sunsets are one thing I do enjoy and, as I watched it, my thoughts were that there are other things about which I am passionate – my own development, for example – and that I am not as dull as I sometimes think. There are things which are important to me.

At one point during the day, I heard a song from my childhood which reminded me of the pain from the end of my first relationship. Nobody in my family told me to pull myself together whenever I fell apart over a girl. My parents did what they could, but my mother mothered me and my father competed with me, which merely served to perpetuate the cycle that occurred with every broken relationship.

Much as I may think I am in control of my emotions, they took hold again today and I behaved like a spoilt child when it was clear that I would miss the yoga. I had wanted to see the Monday class again after my month-long absence and be the centre of attention and the talk of the group. It was more to do with that than it was to do with the exercise, although after yesterday’s session I was keen to go again. It is also the one thing I have outside of this work and to be deprived of that freedom can feel harsh. My Australia trip has shown me that some release from the work I am involved in here is necessary and beneficial.

The day ended with a chat with Karaj. There is no need for me to overdo the yoga. When my goal (to get fit and healthy and pain free) is internalised it will inevitably be realised. There’s no need to force things. That is why my body is changing (I am constantly amazed by my physique at the moment), because my goal is set and I am working hard to sort myself out. We also addressed my resentment at people being here. This is self-centred and will go away within the next couple of years if I continue to serve. It is through serving that my goals will be met too. So, serve.


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