Quietly Getting On With It

Tuesday 29 April, 2003

I went to see my counsellor again today. I have seen her a few times since my GP suggested I give it go, in an attempt to cope better with the low feelings I had a few months back. The same GP offered me advice again yesterday as he prescribed painkillers for the pain I am in, telling me to phone my dad and visit my brother.

The counsellor is a retired, energetic woman, who does this work on a voluntary basis. She is a person-centred counsellor and is trained to reflect back what I offer her. Even when I ask her a question, she always replies, ‘What do you think?’ At the beginning of our session I told her I’d just taken a painkiller. She replied that she had her alarm if I attacked her. I told her I am more likely to flirt with her on my painkillers than attack her.

Once again she did not know how to react and talked about the clock we had in the room. When I pressed her on her comment she talked about it being a romantic clock (!) and the lovely white wall “I love white, you should see my wardrobe…” and then proceeded to tell me about her issues with virginity before turning the session back to me. It was a subdued session – good painkillers – but I talked about needing to know my own mind, and how I am not really bothered by (interested in) most things in life, and I think I ought to be. My parents did not really inspire me when I was young. With the flirting, I noticed that I get embarrassed by it. I would prefer to be able to be straight about it.

In the bookshop afterwards, I read extracts from ‘The Essential Difference’ by Simon Baron-Cohen, about male and female brains and how an autistic brain is a wholly male brain. I bumped into Kuldip in the bookshop and told him he should be at the house. He had not received my message from last night. I went to the ‘Book of Answers’ with a question: Will I ever find contentment with a female companion? Answer: It remains unpredictable. I recalled asking a different question some weeks ago – Should I leave and go back to Germany? That question elicited the answer: It is better to concentrate on your work.

Karaj, Kuldip and I drove around for a couple of hours attending to a number of errands. We talked about not being bothered (interested), whereas others are. Karaj – ‘They are in the manic phase; that’s why they are acting like they’re bothered.’ Kuldip – ‘They are running around bothering and you are quietly getting on with it.

While Karaj and Kuldip fixed the electric screwdriver, which Simran had somehow fucked up, I ate some food and reflected that when I am relaxed I am so clear and nothing phases me. These painkillers are showing me that. Then Simran phoned. When I challenged him about the broken screwdriver, he told me he is pissed off that he keeps making mistakes. I don’t believe him.

I talked to Karaj afterwards about Simran’s call and the subject of fines. Karaj suggested introducing a system of fines to wake people up to their behaviour. Mistakes will incur GBP 100 fines, with clients being invoiced at the end of each month. During our conversation I mentioned that I believe people are not taking things seriously here. Karaj responded: ‘They will when they get the invoices. And why care anyway?

Having worked to update my to-do list, I sat in the late evening and chatted with Karaj and Kuldip. All the self-help stuff can be found in sporting quotes. Forget the ever-increasing numbers of self-help books, it’s all around you. Especially from the winners in life, and they are easily identified in sport.

Summary: Because of the pain killers, I am feeling very relaxed and seeing how emotions ruin things for me and cloud my thinking. When I am relaxed I am so clear, self-assured and confident. Good work today despite the drowsiness of the drugs.


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