A Garden Altercation

Saturday 31 May, 2003

I couldn’t get to sleep last night because of thoughts about Kuldip’s assault on me, yesterday. Karaj told me that if I hadn’t challenged him, then I would have fucked the space up today and it would have seemed like my fault when all the time it had been Kuldip. That’s why it is important to protect myself.

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Walk The Path Slowly

Friday 30 May, 2003

During the course of the morning, Kuldip was challenged because he does not know what he is saying; we translated part of Simran’s letter into Punjabi (pain is pain in any language); and we talked about the fine system. Fines are the best way of waking people up to themselves. Shouting at and challenging people can be counterproductive because it holds us (Karaj and me) back and takes away our creativity.

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Arun’s Return

Thursday 29 May, 2003

Dev and George arrived and we all sat in the sunken garden discussing how Kuldip and Michelle lied in their feedback to Simran last night about his letter to his sister. They both talked about Simran’s Punjabi rather than the content of the letter. I remember the times when I used to say something (else) rather than what I actually thought or felt. Life became easier the day I stopped that.

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Michelle was challenged on her project preparation. Karaj asked whether we should continue to support her in this or forget it. My inclination was for her have a go doing the project on her own and then she will be clearer what she wants from us. However, I know that my energy is best used pushing people in the direction they are going.

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Old Habits Are Dying

Tuesday 27 May, 2003

Karaj called from London to discuss the plans for today. There will be more visitors: Michelle, Harriet, Dev, Marian and the girls (Simran’s young sons). Shortly afterwards, Calvin phoned, asking whether Karaj had looked at his work memo. He also told me the school has not sent the learning stuff he had thought they were getting. I was annoyed at Calvin’s lack of action and rounded the conversation up. His passivity cannot go on. With his son and his work he needs to do something. (He doesn’t know whether he will be here on Wednesday; he will let me know. Precisely my point.)

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Be Focused

Monday 26 May, 2003

In the first supervision, we talked about the garden work from yesterday, which happened the way it did because the mind was not focused. People were in Child ego state (CES). They carried on and did the hedge because they were still not focused. Then in the feedback session, after recovering from the exhaustion of the physical work, the demons returned and they went back into CES and were not focused. That’s what happens all the time in life, if you do not follow procedures.

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You’re Into Analysis Now

Sunday 25 May, 2003

Kuldip arrived at 08:45. So much for my lie-in! People were supposed to be here at 10.00. I lay back down and was woken 10 minutes later by Michelle. Another one who didn’t listen last night when Karaj told everyone what time to be here this morning. I went upstairs out of everybody’s way and slept for another two hours. When I came back down, Karaj told me to clear my desk of paperwork at night so that first thing in the morning all I see is tidiness rather than seeing work and thinking, ‘Oh fuck, there’s work to be done.‘ (I’d left notes on my desk of Ishwar’s letter to his dad to be done before noon). I stood outside and admired the garden. The flowers are coming out. It is a special place where everything works.

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Saying Goodbye

Saturday 24 May, 2003

The common thread of this 3-day weekend was Ishwar’s letter to his dying father. We began early, in the first supervision. Ishwar needs to say goodbye but he was not sure how to. I told him he’ll find the words. Karaj added, as an aside, that I have not been in Adapted Child since I sorted things out with my dad.

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Sorting Myself Out

Friday 23 May, 2003

I received a letter from my brother. At one point he wrote: ‘You’re right (you usually are).’ This surprised me. Respect from my brother. He has never disrespected me as such, but I have always felt inferior to him (and dad). Comparisons! The rest of the letter was typically him: straight, sarcastic, loving and caring. I was moved. He is okay, and the straightness of his words touched me deeply.

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Taking Charge

Wednesday 21 May, 2003

Calvin called yesterday to inform me of today’s meeting with the new social worker. I asked him about his work. He is not following procedures regarding the meeting with his boss on Monday; he did not call us and so has neither formulated a response to the discussion, nor to her memo to him. He is not proactive. I checked my advice with Karaj which necessitated waking him up. Karaj agreed with me. I called Calvin back to tell him to stop fucking around.

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Resolve & Determination

Thursday 15 May, 2003

Yesterday had been a long, painful day; but a successful one, executed with resolve and a determination not to slip into old habits. I had felt short-tempered before the supervision group (WSG) but just got stuck in. During a break, for instance, I saw Simran giving Shona a stone for her healing bowl. I challenged him thoroughly for being sneaky and getting Shona on her own when we had only just discussed the value of sharing things in the group. Because of my commitment to contribute – instead of withdraw and sulk – I came alive.

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What CES Can Look Like

Monday 12 May, 2003

For two days I sulked and moaned to myself. I allowed my emotions to dominate me. They impinged on my enjoyment of what was supposed to be a short break from the routine. I had a good time, but my Child ego state (CES) exercised its influence throughout, and my Parent ego state was not strong enough for me to be able to get a grip of myself. This is what Child Ego State can look like:

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Expressing My Annoyance

Saturday 10 May, 2003

Before the men’s group, I made corrections to the memo to Dev. Karaj and I also discussed the agenda items for men’s group: first steps to termination of Dev’s and Simran’s contracts, and a letter to Robert. The men began to arrive and for the rest of the day, we worked through the following points:

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Continue To Lay The Foundations

Friday 9 May, 2003

I awoke feeling tired, in pain and short-tempered. But less weary than yesterday. On a walk to the village I was in great pain with every step (in my groin). Back at the house, I could barely stand up. Who knows what is happening to my body. In the morning’s supervision with Karaj and Kuldip, we talked about the fact that Simran will never change. I need to remain short-tempered for when he and Dev arrive tomorrow. Karaj added:

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