Greater Clarity

Saturday 3 May, 2003

Karaj, Priya, Ishwar, Kuldip, Michelle and I spent the day working in the garden – putting the finishing touches to C1 and the lock on C2. Karaj pointed out that my voice was like one of Simran’s sons. His indication was that someone has to replace Simran because he is not here today. I did not fully understand this concept so, during the next break, we discussed it. As with the positive parenting model – where we aim, through contact with positive role models, to create positive examples in ourselves which eventually find expression, so it is with the negative people we meet. They get into our psyches and find expression sooner or later.

I worked together with Ishwar putting the lock on the C2 doors. We were going along quite well and then we got cocky by making comments about the others not working when they were standing around contemplating their job. We thought it was a lighthearted comment but the consequences were very quick as the wheels came off our progress when the lock mechanism jammed. Take care over every thought, word and deed. In fact, my communication with Ishwar was poor. We did not connect. I need to verbalise this in future. I did not realise that I was having to repeat myself. This is how it is with people and I need to see this and then I’ll be all right.

Over a late lunch Karaj challenged me, telling me: ‘You are emotional. You want Dev to be here so that you look good.’ On the way back to C2, Ishwar woke me up by telling me I was quiet, like Simran. I did not like this, but it worked. Later in the work I woke Ishwar up by being firm about the fact that he had not listened to my instructions. By being firm with him I owned my skills. I am capable and talented and yet I give people the option of not hearing me, discounting myself at the same time. By waking each other up Ishwar and I had finally connected.

Nevertheless, we did an unsatisfactory job on the lock. And all because I had been a perfectionist when hanging the doors two weeks ago. I had fitted them too tightly and was now paying the price for not allowing some clearance. We took our final break at 22:00. There has been more clarity and less emotion today and the quality of my conversation and contributions have been high. Karaj – ‘You are trying to understand rather than be emotional. Good.

Ishwar and I tidied up while the others finished their work on C1. No matter the quality of Karaj’s work, he has done something rather than faff around trying to be perfect. Tomorrow he can correct it and he will know what to do because he now knows the job. The quality of the conversation has been good because we have not had to tend to Dev’s emotions or Simran’s withdrawal. We were free to talk, verbalise, learn and progress. Over the months we have built up a momentum which is carrying us forward. Either people come with us or we will simply leave them behind.

In the supervision afterwards, which went on until 01:30, we looked at how the perfectionism when we originally hung the doors has come back to haunt me. As far as the lock was concerned, Ishwar and I should have taken a step back, sat down and chatted. (Procedures!) Things would then have sorted themselves out. Priya was challenged by Karaj about which direction is she going in. She blocks people and undermines them when she has the ability to contribute to and support them.

Summary: A very instructive day: how to connect with people; relax; get away from the detail; be careful what I think, say and do; and consequences. I have had greater clarity in all areas, less emotion and good conversation.


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