Expressing My Annoyance

Saturday 10 May, 2003

Before the men’s group, I made corrections to the memo to Dev. Karaj and I also discussed the agenda items for men’s group: first steps to termination of Dev’s and Simran’s contracts, and a letter to Robert. The men began to arrive and for the rest of the day, we worked through the following points:

  • George’s morning and the games with Harriet. She started first thing and he did well to compose himself, go back and reassure her. Travelling to the house he witnessed a car accident involving an identical car to his and realised that it could have been him had he not taken a minute to go reassure his wife. Seeing the consequences of his actions and thus moving into Relearning. Great.
  • Ishwar’s letter to his boss following his conference. Underlining his thorough approach and backing up his initiative.
  • Letter to Marian telling her the state of Simran. It is serious. It led on to a challenge to Simran: he does nothing. I was very vocal in this and also challenged Dev about his attitude. It is doing me good to shout at people in a constructive, focused way. It brings me alive regardless of what it does for others. Dev says he wants to look at himself but does not face it at all.
  • Attention on Simran again – blaming Karaj and exalting himself and his predicament.
  • Calvin’s progress report – he came prepared and can therefore learn more from the amendments we made.
  • Ishwar’s article on execs and their large salaries. Karaj – ‘They are brought in to do a job and paid for it. Simple.
  • Calvin’s message and proposed meeting with the new social worker. Somewhere here I got cocky, as Karaj observed. I was about to defend myself because I really didn’t think I was being cocky, but I heard what he said and took it on board, knowing that I can benefit from it. The point being that even if I don’t think I am being cocky I know the danger which it presents and it can never be a mistake to calm down, wherever I am.
  • Dev was given two minutes for his items. He and Simran get a kick out of being negative. I am seeing this for the first time today; why else would they carry on with it? Watch for it.
  • Simran was given two minutes for his issues and he put his feedback from his exhibition before his children and his wife. Idiot.

We finished with a 2-hour seminar on the To-Do List. It is a discipline of the Parent ego state (PES) which strengthens the PES allowing the Child to be creative. Moreover, the more I write and, therefore, clear my head, the more I will remember my past. I will reveal layer after layer of my childhood back to the first decision about how I will live my life.

In the final feedback round Leon complimented me on my expression of annoyance. He said it was clear and just what we need in the group. Similarly it was nice to see Ishwar get annoyed with Simran and Dev today because I saw myself in him. This helps me to move on with my annoyance towards positive action and away from emotion. Great.

For the final hour of the day, I sat with Karaj and Shona in C1. We talked about how I had shouted at Simran and Dev today. I used to shout at the Christians, but today there was more benefit for me. We also discussed Shona. Don’t try or want to be something, just be it.

I have everything I need (to be), but a lot of it is buried beneath the conditioning. I am here to clear away the conditioning and discover my true self.

Summary: It was good to express myself (forcefully) – The PES defines who I am – A privilege to see Leon’s relationship with his son and how a good, decent father can relate to his son – Saw how Simran and Dev must get a kick out of their negativity – Very calm in the discussion between Karaj and Shona. In my calmness I bring clarity to such discussions.


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