What CES Can Look Like

Monday 12 May, 2003

For two days I sulked and moaned to myself. I allowed my emotions to dominate me. They impinged on my enjoyment of what was supposed to be a short break from the routine. I had a good time, but my Child ego state (CES) exercised its influence throughout, and my Parent ego state was not strong enough for me to be able to get a grip of myself. This is what Child Ego State can look like:

Yesterday, Karaj, Shona and I drove to Newquay. Throughout the six-hour journey, I experienced emotions (unverbalised) about not wanting to be here; all the work I could be doing and the peace and quiet I could be having back at the house. Also, I should be with my own age, not Karaj and Shona. On the coast we stopped to walk around and I talked to Shona about my poor observational skills and why they are so. I shut down when I was young and as a result it is a challenge for me to be in the world.

Late in the evening, Karaj and I went for a meal. It was nice to be without Shona and hence see clearly the effect she has. It is disruptive because she brings emotions (negativity) into things. We enjoyed a quiet meal and I finally relaxed for the first time today. I verbalised my feelings from the journey; Karaj had had similar ones. It would have been okay to share them at the time.

This morning we drove to the Eden Project; a stunning set up. My negativity and pain got in the way of my enjoyment – wishing I were somewhere else – but I read some inspiring words from Tim Smit, the founder of the project. Karaj was inspired by it all too: by what is possible when you put your mind to it and energise others around you. Smit talks about people working together at their limit. We are building that with the group and if people don’t want to come with us they will fall by the wayside because it will be too much for them to keep up.

Suitably inspired, we drove to Fowey. Shona wanted to attend the Daphne Du Maurier festival. I had no interest in hearing strangers talk about someone else’s books I’ll never read, so I sat in the car with Karaj and we waited in silence. I read Tim Smit’s book, ‘Eden’. An ordinary man, galvanising others with his passion. Almost two hours later, Shona returned to the car, and we went for another drive. This time to Polruan. I was ready to go home by this stage and doing my usual sulky bit rather than being where I was and living it. After a walk around we drove on to Polperro, but decided to head home rather than hang around.

This got my hopes up, but around 19:00, still miles from home, Karaj decided he wanted to go to Bodmin moor. My attitude was getting worse but I held things together. I am tired and in pain but I trust this man enough not to get angry. We sat on the side of the lake and watched the sun as it descended towards the horizon. I am glad we came to the moor but was still too stubborn to admit it. Back in the car I felt run down, tired and very weary. I slept all the way home and still don’t know how Karaj managed to get home in 3 hours.

Summary: I told myself I will not come away again with Shona and Karaj. This will fade with time but it is a different experience when Shona is involved. Especially when I recall Christmas with Karaj; how quiet and reflective and peaceful it all was. I also saw how I ruin my own enjoyment with emotions. Glad to be home though.


One Response to “What CES Can Look Like”

  1. Aubrey Says:

    Worst road trip ever!

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