You’re Into Analysis Now

Sunday 25 May, 2003

Kuldip arrived at 08:45. So much for my lie-in! People were supposed to be here at 10.00. I lay back down and was woken 10 minutes later by Michelle. Another one who didn’t listen last night when Karaj told everyone what time to be here this morning. I went upstairs out of everybody’s way and slept for another two hours. When I came back down, Karaj told me to clear my desk of paperwork at night so that first thing in the morning all I see is tidiness rather than seeing work and thinking, ‘Oh fuck, there’s work to be done.‘ (I’d left notes on my desk of Ishwar’s letter to his dad to be done before noon). I stood outside and admired the garden. The flowers are coming out. It is a special place where everything works.

I typed up Ishwar’s letter to his father. It moved me deeply; it’s always the same when one human being is nice to another. I took a break and chatted to Dev (and Michelle) about it. Even if I did not have the best parenting, the influence of Ishwar’s father touches my life through my connection with Ishwar. Also, contributing to Ishwar in this way ties our lives further together.

In the supervision session with Karaj, Michelle, Simran, Kuldip and Dev, I contributed to Dev regarding his management behaviour. He needs to act like a manager at all times. I also made a contribution to Kuldip, by reminding him to stay awake with Simran and not get dragged by him into complicated detail. I read Ishwar’s letter to his father. It touched everyone.

After the session, Simran somehow managed to do something to Arun’s car – the left headlight is raised and will not go down again. The whole episode gave me a headache, which I verbalised to Karaj. His response was that ‘Arun’s presence is here. Look, her car is talking to us. It is important to maintain her space; remember the start of the year when we cleaned her car.’ It was also too much for Simran who became quite emotional. Everything he does seems to go wrong. Karaj reassured him: ‘You communicated to me clearly because you came from where you are, rather than trying to be someone else.

So we all came together to sort it out. Simran and Karaj together in the car, Dev and Kuldip together jacking it up and down, and me overseeing everything. We fixed headlight and Simran was mightily relieved. I settled well into the overall picture and saw that I am prone to getting involved rather than standing back. I also saw that it is an important role. Karaj reflected further with me ‘The more people take charge here, the less it means to me.

Ishwar arrived for the supervision and we read his letter again. Surprise, surprise: my headache is almost gone. In Kuldip’s feedback about the work on Arun’s car, he failed to acknowledge my contribution. This showed me what I also think: that the manager role is not work at all because you don’t seem to be doing anything. On the contrary. It is a vital role because you can see everyone getting stuck in detail. This has been a block for me: ‘If I’m not physically involved, I’m useless.‘ It’s not true at all. Good insight.

The evening’s supervision was taken up with analysis of the garden work done by Karaj, Michelle, Dev, Kuldip and Simran: ‘Why have we done what we have done?‘. Unfortunately, there was no analysis; they couldn’t do it. We took a break and people discussed it. I got involved briefly and asked them all what they got out of it. Dev – relaxed (after the mind work); Michelle – involvement; Simran – grounding; Kuldip – togetherness. Simran felt like he was closest to the answer. I left them to it and got on with my appraisal of last weekend.

We reconvened and continued with the question of analysis. Analysis asks the question Why? (Prent ego state). Description is all about How? and What? (Child ego state). The answer to why (because…) is based on observation, evidence and testing. The reason people don’t analyse is because, as children, they had parents who did not ask the question ‘Why?

People were still unable to answer why they carried on working in the garden – weeding and cutting Shona’s hedge – when it was getting dark? Rather than give them the answer, Karaj called it a night. He has checkmated them: they don’t analyse and that is why they are struggling. Karaj had asked me to keep out of the discussion; he didn’t want me helping people. Does he think I know the answer? Maybe I do. I just have to relax and believe (in myself). I have always wanted to know why things are the way they are. As boy I had the poster of the soldier kneeling over his dead colleague with the question ‘Why?’ in big black letters.

As Karaj and I talked, he declared with a hint of exasperation, ‘I have given them the answer to their lives.’ His point was that they should remember the Sicily work we did – especially the analysis work – and relate everything they do to their personal goals. I told him how much pleasure I am getting from the to-do list (format for my journal), as things are much clearer these days. ‘That’s because you’re into analysis now.

Michelle came to apologise for her behaviour today. Karaj told her forcefully, ‘I shouldn’t be here doing this stuff with you.‘ It must be frustrating for him, given everything he knows and can see and yet people continue to fuck around. He is such a talented, able man and yet he finds himself with us. I am glad he is here but he needs to move on and I will go with him.

Summary: Full and varied day. Creating relaxed clarity in my life. Seeing things clearer, contributing to others and remaining calm. Don’t get cocky.


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