Arun’s Return

Thursday 29 May, 2003

Dev and George arrived and we all sat in the sunken garden discussing how Kuldip and Michelle lied in their feedback to Simran last night about his letter to his sister. They both talked about Simran’s Punjabi rather than the content of the letter. I remember the times when I used to say something (else) rather than what I actually thought or felt. Life became easier the day I stopped that.

Michelle was waiting for us when we returned from breakfast. In the supervision session that followed, we talked about dreams. When there is no love or reassurance from the parents, the dream becomes part of the script. Michelle was challenged for not participating in the session. I raised the fact that she thanked me for the note we had left for her (on the front door telling her we had gone out for breakfast). It had felt like what she was actually saying was ‘You were late’, because I nearly apologised. The games people play.

I wrote down a few words on a father for Calvin: love, support, space, freedom, guidance. Karaj suggested that every Wednesday we write a chapter on the garden and tell a story about how it all happened. A great idea.

Kuldip needs to be challenged every time he goes over the top. He gets excited and he tells lies too – even though he doesn’t realise what he is saying. Karaj suggested moving the shed in the sunken garden. I got excited at this because I have wanted it moved for some time, but I remained calm. When I returned to the office to start work I remarked that today looks like being a landmark day. I couldn’t have known at the time just how right I would be.

I decided to postpone yoga until tomorrow. With George here and the prospect of a good day ahead, this is my reward for all the hard work of the last couple of weeks. Little did I know the real reason I had to remain at the house. An hour later Arun (Karaj’s business partner) arrived back after a year in India. I was here to open the door to her which is how it should be. (That’s why I didn’t go to yoga.) It was a most normal event too; as if she’d never been away. Shona had just popped round as well, so they finally got to meet each other.

We sat together (Arun, Karaj, Shona, Michelle, George, Dev and I) and chatted. Arun hasn’t changed – still as argumentative as ever – but I have. I told her how much it meant to me to open the door to her. Today is a landmark day. I was right. There were affirmations of what Arun had started and achieved here and how important it is for her to harvest the fruits of her work; and also to take us forward to the next step. It was lovely to see her and when Karaj told her, ‘The lad’s changed’ she said ‘Yes I can see.’ Arun could not receive the love we gave her. She did not believe what we said to her.

Later, Michelle read her letter to her father. Parts of it touched me, other parts didn’t fit and that’s what I said. Others’ feedback was ‘very touching, etc.‘ I didn’t have any doubts about my feedback because it was what I felt. [A day later Karaj confirmed my insights by saying that a couple of things needed changing.]

For three hours in the evening we worked on C3, putting the last two panels around the inside, and building and installing the back frame (85″ x 95″). As usual, it was good to have George around. He and Karaj work well together, as do George and I. We got on with the job and the frame fitted in easily.

In the evening’s session, we addressed Ishwar’s work issue. He’d had a pressured day and followed procedures by phoning Karaj and coming to the house. How much easier life is when we follow procedures. It was good for me to see how I also have busy days and the way to deal with them: don’t get emotional, be clear, straight and accountable, and inform people. I am less emotional these days but there is still too much. I saw how Ishwar achieved clarity momentarily and then led himself back into emotions. Stay with the clarity.

We finished around midnight, after which I sat for another hour updating my to-do list/self-appraisal.

Summary: Another long day and what a day. Arun returned, I saw how Karaj treated her and it was easy for me to follow his lead. She struggled to cope with the acknowledgement. The work with Ishwar was very useful for me. I’m absolutely knackered now.


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