Walk The Path Slowly

Friday 30 May, 2003

During the course of the morning, Kuldip was challenged because he does not know what he is saying; we translated part of Simran’s letter into Punjabi (pain is pain in any language); and we talked about the fine system. Fines are the best way of waking people up to themselves. Shouting at and challenging people can be counterproductive because it holds us (Karaj and me) back and takes away our creativity.

At midday I attended a yoga lesson after skipping yesterday’s. I nearly walked out because I had no energy, but if I was going to achieve anything today, this was it. Satisfying discipline. After some lunch, I slept upstairs for 2½ hours.

When I came back down, Karaj, Dev, Simran, Kuldip and Michelle were working in the garden. I didn’t feel inspired to join them so I went to the shops to get some tobacco and then, back at the house, I made a cup of tea. In the feedback session after their work, it emerged that the job had been made complicated by Kuldip, Dev and Simran and their scripts. No wonder that when I came out to get involved and gain some energy, I took one look at things and went to the shops. Once again, my feelings are confirmed.

In the evening Karaj, Michelle, Kuldip and I spent an hour working in the garden splitting the heavy wooden blocks into separate lengths. My energy returned as soon as we got to work. Karaj then left us to remove the roof and ceiling jacks from C3 and secure the frame. I took charge and issued orders naturally without any doubt about what I was doing. Dev and Simran joined us to remove the roof. There was no panic, nor any problems with making decisions. I was relaxed and just got on with it.

During a break, Kuldip was challenged again by Michelle, Simran and me. There was no response whatsoever from him. That is what drains people’s energies the most. Our energy is just swallowed up like a black hole.

Back in the garden I noticed I still need to relax when Karaj’s presence is causing me to panic. I talked about this in the subsequent supervision: the comparison between my calmness when Karaj was not around, and the emotion when he shouts at us to hurry up. I am close to not being emotional around Karaj, to which Karaj responded: ‘That’s dangerous. You could easily get cocky and your body will give up on you.’ This confirmed my recent thoughts: I am doing well and my script is lurking, waiting for a way in. I need to protect myself, keep myself safe and walk the path slowly.

Kuldip cornered me as we disbanded after the session. He brought up the similarities between us which had been highlighted today: our fathers both call(ed) us Jo(h)n and we have been accused of things we haven’t done. I could not believe what he was doing. I felt abused as soon as he started on me, and Simran told me what I already knew: ‘He’s got you on your own.’ I went mad. I raised my voice in an attempt to force him out of my space. Karaj was alerted and I explained to him what Kuldip had done. The fucker has no idea. He has been told again and again about getting people on their own and, as far as similarities with me are concerned, it was a pathetic attempt to befriend me because I am doing well. My feelings alerted me and I reacted appropriately to safeguard my own well being. Well done.

At midnight Dev, Simran and Kuldip went home. Kuldip shook my hand very sheepishly. When I returned to my desk I found a memo from Karaj about how we have been working hard all day supporting Kuldip with no response, and then he assaulted me in the evening after the supervision session had ended.

Summary: No energy at all this morning, but dragged myself to yoga. The garden work really brought the energy back and I used it to protect myself from Kuldip. Learning point: look after myself and my space.


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