Letting The Negativity In

Monday 30 June, 2003

I awoke feeling tired. Simran called, talking about the arrangements for the group trip on 6th July. He sounded drunk, was unclear and nervous. Afterwards I reflected on the call. It annoyed the fuck out of me. Simran had asked Karaj yesterday afternoon about coming here today because he has the day off. Karaj had told him he will ring him this morning and if he doesn’t it’s because we are not around. Yet Simran takes it upon himself to call us. I did not want him here at all and did not want him phoning either. But then I did not protect myself.

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Communication Of A Simple Feeling

Sunday 29 June, 2003

After welcoming people, I relaxed in the sunken garden, finding some more of that precious time to myself. I needed it. In the subsequent supervision (with Karaj, Dev, Priya, Michelle, Shona, Simran and me), Karaj challenged Priya about her attitude. He told her he gives people every opportunity and then cuts them off. I related it to the relationships I’d had in which I had given everything I had to give and then walked away (with a clear conscience). Priya understood this because she had done the same with her last boyfriend. This allowed Karaj to show her that at last she’d had an insight into the situation she is in. Either she sorts herself out or she will be cut off once Karaj has given all he has to give.

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From Resentment To Appreciation

Saturday 28 June, 2003

Four of us went for breakfast. I felt annoyed at the prospect of the day. I don’t want people around. Although if I were alone I’d probably still be annoyed. When I mentioned it, Karaj responded by saying: ‘The day you stop being annoyed with these people is the day we can move on. You need to be fully focused on yourself.

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Be Humble

Friday 27 June, 2003

Simran was challenged in the lunchtime session. He had cornered Calvin and Shona by dumping his agenda items on them in the feedback session. He has nothing to say. No responsibility. He does not want to sort his life out. Later, when he made a mistake with the tape recorder, I challenged him fully and informed him I don’t want him here on Fridays anymore. I told Karaj what I had said, then went upstairs for a rest. I slept soundly, but felt disappointment on waking when I realised Simran was still downstairs.

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Go Back & Sit Down

Thursday 26 June, 2003

I spent time this week reading my appraisals:

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Good & Getting Better

Sunday 22 June, 2003

After lunch, I read my Sicily appraisals. Robert showed the same ignorance of support as Priya. I chatted with Karaj in the garden. He thanked us for our support yesterday. Just like Sicily, the men were there when he needed us. We talked about Priya and Robert and their lack of any concept of support. Karaj asked me to ring Priya and talk to her about it.
I spent 15 minutes preparing the call: 1) She does not see the support, 2) does not acknowledge the support and 3) ran away from Ishwar’s and Dev’s support yesterday. 4) Robert was the same in Sicily.

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Prepared the house and garden for the women’s group. I have no interest in having women here today. I feel short-tempered when I think about it. I don’t want to be around them or anywhere near them. Dev and I sat in the sunken garden and I verbalised this to him. I immediately felt better. The thing is, I know I can deal with the situation when it is there. Dev and Ishwar put the large umbrella up in the sunken garden, I took a call from Dania, prepared the letter to send by registered post to Robert, and Karaj and I went to pick Dania up from the coach station.

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Passive Aggressive

Friday 20 June, 2003

Tired but buoyed by last night’s achievements and not too annoyed by Simran’s presence. Talking to him is an easier option than withdrawing and being resentful.

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Agitation & Calm

Thursday 19 June, 2003

I need to settle down. I am all over the place at the moment. No clarity. Agitation but no real focus. Both Karaj and I are agitated. He more so than I. Priya arrived. She still knocked, even though she has a key, saying: ‘I thought I’d give you guys warning in case I was disturbing you.’ Bloody hell. What does she think we do here?

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We’re In Limbo

Wednesday 18 June, 2003

Karaj and I went on a road trip to run some errands. Afterwards I just wanted Karaj to keep on driving. I had no motivation to do anything. We chatted about where we are. We don’t know what to do with the people (Simran, Dev, Priya etc.) or how to control them. We’re in limbo. We’re moving the office forward but we’re not yet there. There is lots of negativity to clear but neither of us can be bothered.

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Curtailing My Choice

Monday 16 June, 2003

I chatted with Karaj about our partnership. Karaj: ‘You bring the credibility and I bring the relationship. That’s how we can work together for the rest of our lives. You have discretion. You are pleasing but firm and people do things for you.

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If Something Works…

Saturday 14 June, 2003

Awake. Tired and very stiff. Had trouble sleeping last night – so much body pain. I felt short-tempered, but I welcomed people as they arrived for the men’s group.

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All You Need Is Self-Respect

Friday 13 June, 2003

I had to be woken twice by Karaj. It is so hard to get up at the moment, and sleeping on the floor doesn’t help because upright is such a long way to up. I worked with Simran to hang a notice board and three pictures in the hallway and the client’s room. I was trying to come from the position that Simran will contribute, but he was making it difficult for me.

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Precise Communication

Thursday 12 June, 2003

We took delivery of the colour scanner/printer. It weighs a ton. We managed to get it into the hallway but no further. When George arrived the three of us discussed a plan of action to move it into place. Together we eventually managed to maneuver it into its corner. We had to raise it six inches, move it two feet over the bottom stair and lower it again. We used huge pieces of wood as a platform, a hydraulic jack and precise communication to effect our success. Good engineering, good teamwork, good communication. It was a delight to work so closely in a such a focused manner and the communication was a real thrill.

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