Reflecting On My Progress

Monday 2 June, 2003

After yesterday’s celebrations with Michelle’s father, I read the letter I wrote to my dad a year ago. I realised that I couldn’t write about my own father because he, through no real fault of his own, let me down. My letter shows that clearly and it also shows my determination to sort myself out. I also read the notes I made whilst in Australia. I had a great time and still went through some soul searching. It shows that just because things seem difficult it does not mean that life cannot be good or fun.

Calvin phoned. He has a meeting with the school tomorrow. I told him he needs to prepare and he can come over here tonight. When he said he will phone me later, I became aware that I was giving him a way out. I need to be more decisive rather than allow others the option of changing their minds. I called him later in the day, not wanting to let him off the hook. I told him all I care about is that he prepares for tomorrow’s meeting. He agreed to come over.

I read my appraisals from January 2002. It was the first time I really challenged people. Looking back, I made hard work of it but it was a breakthrough which has helped me since. I moved on to February 2002. On Thursday 7th I wrote, ‘You can choose to stay out of emotions.’ As with Michelle’s letter to her dad yesterday; it touched me but I chose not lose it completely. Also, the men’s feedback to me that same day – that I am sensitive, simple, straightforward and serious – reaffirmed my qualities.

Matthew phoned to thank us for a lovely afternoon yesterday. He also apologised to me for not recognising me. It only clicked with him who I am when he was writing his contribution to Darius. He said he would very much like to talk more with me next time. I am growing up. I can feel it. Arun saw it last week and Matthew’s affirmations add further weight to what I already know. Don’t get cocky for fuck’s sake, and be careful not to get excited or enthusiastic. Just be careful.

15th February 2002 – ‘Only when I am calm under stress and can pastime in emergencies will Karaj move forward with me.’ I am getting there. There is so much excellent stuff in my appraisals. Every day I move forward in some way.

29th August 2000 – My birthday gift to myself. A summary of how far I have come in the previous 12 months. And that was after only seven months with Karaj. Beautiful.

December 2000 – Brilliant. Chats with Karaj, analysis, observations. I really have worked hard (from the start) to sort myself out. I see that now.

Calvin arrived around 19:00. We pastimed and I prepared some food before leaving to go to yoga. When I returned I stressed once again the need for him to learn as much as he can and to inform himself so he can help his son. Once again it fell on deaf ears so I suggested we get to work.

I left him to work on his own while I spent nearly an hour with the faxes from Kuldip, Dev and Simran; their appraisals of the weekend. Kuldip’s is childish and lacks analysis. Dev’s had the usual transmission problems and I had to be firm with him to follow his own procedure of checking with me that it had come through rather than faxing me again and again. Simran’s was less of a problem. He phoned and we chatted very briefly about Kuldip who is still fucking around; he had left on Sunday without saying goodbye because he was angry, and he told Simran to get Dev to ring him when he gets back to London. Why?!

I read the report the school had sent about Calvin’s son. He is doing very well and shows great potential in a number of areas. All the more frustrating that Calvin is doing little to further his son’s life. I told Calvin this. I made sure he included a point about what he can do to support the school’s work. I was the one who was keen to get it finished. I have never seen Calvin show any urgency in anything. The work brought me to life, and having to deal with the three faxes at the same time really gave me some energy. The school’s report added to that energy.

We finished around 23:00. I asked Calvin if it had been useful for him. He explained that coming here had made sure he got something done, because at home he would probably have made excuses and done nothing. I made it clear that his presence also got me into work mode, and I am looking forward to getting things done. I also told him about how inspiring my day has been reading my appraisals.

After Calvin left, I spent three hours typing up the events of the past few days. So much has happened here of late. I finished my night reading the faxed appraisals from Dev and Simran. Neither of them inspired me in any way and I am not sure whether things will be any different for these people as a result of writing them. [Karaj’s comment when he read them was: ‘Good insights but will they follow them in practice?’]

Summary: A lovely, relaxing day. Reading my old journals has been great. I have a clarity now which allows me to see what I was doing then. I see my struggle and the hard work I have put in to sort myself out, and I see Karaj’s solid consistency throughout. This evening has been highly productive too. Calvin’s presence has helped me achieve things tonight.


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