I Define My Mood, My Day, My Life

Thursday 5 June, 2003

I felt very tired this morning and a little on edge. It’s this scenario again of deferring to Karaj’s mood. What does it matter how he is? I am responsible for my mood, my day, my life. Taking control is the only way.

Yoga was a tough but steady session. I am more familiar with the subtleties of the postures and there is more movement in my hips, groin and pelvis. You get out what you put in and, without overdoing it, I pushed myself hard. I am very serious in there too. I don’t engage with people more than the pleasantries and I am focused on what I am there to do. Any frivolity makes it harder for me to do the work. I like my serious attitude. It suits me. A good workout.

After lunch I sat with Karaj in the sunken garden. I am too tired to even talk. Karaj said, ‘We are doing well. We just have to keep going, step by step.’ I found this encouraging. We ARE doing well and it is easy to forget that.

Whilst making corrections to the first chapter of the garden story, I fell asleep because I was so tired. I slept soundly for two hours, and then woke up to deal with Dev’s fax. I only received 3 of 8 pages. He has an annoying habit of faxing again and again instead of stopping, phoning me and checking on the process. I started to get very annoyed. Eventually, I phoned him and explained the situation. I felt I was still not clear enough but I calmed down having verbalised my issue. Verbalising works every time!

I was editing the garden story when Shona joined me. I was short with her when setting her up on PC7, but not rude. With Shona it is often a case of determining her mood before I can get on with my life. Again, deferring to others. I need to check where I am and what I want when this occurs. As I write, I see that I did that. I was annoyed at being tired and with Dev’s fax, and not in the mood to entertain Shona’s games. I behaved appropriately and as a result there were no games. Good.

Supervision – Karaj, George, Shona and me. We talked about Shona’s (and my) issue of what to say when people enquire after us. Say what you like, they are really not interested anyway. We also reviewed the work George and Karaj have done on C3. We planned tomorrow. A very busy day; lots of female presence as well as Simran and Kuldip. I need to stay out of everybody’s way and keep myself safe. Shona asked why – because I am doing well. I feel physically pretty good, there are women about and men tend to get cocky around them, plus Simran and Kuldip are here: negativity. Be on your guard, Jonny.

After quietness descended on the house once more, I read my appraisals from Aug/Sep 2000. I was looking for the start of the digging in the garden (20.09.00). Reading the appraisals gave me a sense of well being. I am right where I need to be, doing very well and I am calm about my progress too. DON’T GET COCKY. I checked Calvin’s memo with Karaj. He said that Calvin needs to know we cannot help him unless he makes an effort. (Tonight he has chosen to play cricket again.)

Summary: Much like the rest of the week I have rested, exercised and achieved all in one day. The learning point is how important it is for me to establish control of my life at all times. Define my day for myself rather than rely on my environment. Relax and keep going.


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