It’s Good Being Me

Tuesday 10 June, 2003

All I seem to be doing at the moment is fitting in a little work in between long periods of sleep. I reflected this morning that all my life I have been copying people because I was looking for ways to be happy. In doing so I made two assumptions. Firstly, I assumed that the other people were happy. And secondly, that their path would work for me. What has happened since working with Karaj is that I have got rid of as many variables as possible until what remains is just me and my fuck-ups. Only then could I begin to identify where changes could be made.

My friends getting married has helped me to see that their chosen path is not for me. Great. So having gone a long way over the last three years to identify who I am and what I want, I have more clarity and assurance about my journey. In short, it is good being me.

In the evening I tidied up and prepared the room for Serena’s appointment. Karaj was issuing orders. I am fed up with it. I don’t want to be here right now. Karaj is in a similar state to me and he is running around spending money in a manic state and ordering me about. It’s maddening that just when we seem to be getting somewhere things start to go all weird.

I guess this is just another mini crisis which we will navigate our way through and come out of stronger and more prepared for everything else which will come our way as an inevitable consequence of the fact that we are tackling life head on. What was the conclusion of my reflection today? ‘It’s good being me’. Well, it is.

Priya phoned to report on her day. It was nice for her to ask me how I am and be generally more chatty (and friendly) than ever before. She was clear with her reporting but a little hurried; although that may have been me because halfway through the call Karaj came out of his session with Serena shouting at me that I should have told him it was gone nine o‘clock because he had to go pick up his wife.

When he returned, I discussed Priya’s call with Karaj. I told him he had shouted at me. Hs response was: ‘I didn’t shout at you. I don’t shout at you. I only have to tell you things once. It’s my wife I am dealing with and Arun is still affecting me.’ The thing is I thought about telling him that it was time for him to pick his wife up but then I thought (the thought process should never have got this far!) he’d shout at me for cheapening the clients time with him. By this stage my attitude had taken a firm hold and I thought, ‘fuck it’.

Learning point: I knew I should have acted as soon as the initial thought occurred to me and I didn’t. This allowed my emotions a way in and they won.

At around 22:45, I joined Serena and Michelle in their session. Michelle – like Kuldip – did not react well to being told about her behaviour (cornering and manipulating Karaj).  She doesn’t see that it is a gift to be told by people how we behave, because we are blind to our own behaviour. Michelle is to write a contract of what Karaj can expect of her. Tomorrow’s WSG will decide on it.

At the end of the session Karaj remarked that he may just leave come October. I told him that if he is not here, I’m not hanging around. I quickly changed my mind when I considered how much would need to be written up about what has happened here and how I would relish that job; although the enormity of it is quite daunting (I’m setting myself up here, to be daunted. There’s no need.)

The discussion continued in the garden and we talked until midnight. Karaj told me ‘If I’m not here, you stay and people will come to you for advice. Otherwise it’s all lies if everything depends on me.’ I told him I would stay and write, and he told me that people will read what I have written and come to see the place where it all happened. He continued saying that I’ll stay for the rest of my life and that whether I like it or not I will be in charge of the place. People will come to me and they will tell me what I need to do. All of this made sense to me and I am not daunted by it.

My learning points from this conversation were:

  1. It’s the limits we put on ourselves which destroy us.
  2. Karaj said I would have sorted my issues out anyway – even if we hadn’t have met – because we all have it within us to sort ourselves out. So what role does Karaj play and why do most people not sort themselves out? The answer to this question came the next day.

Summary: Achieved again today despite great tiredness. Good chats with Karaj and, again, I kept calm when emotions were getting to me. Accepted Karaj’s words tonight without question; natural progress for me… my destiny!


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