Agitation & Calm

Thursday 19 June, 2003

I need to settle down. I am all over the place at the moment. No clarity. Agitation but no real focus. Both Karaj and I are agitated. He more so than I. Priya arrived. She still knocked, even though she has a key, saying: β€˜I thought I’d give you guys warning in case I was disturbing you.’ Bloody hell. What does she think we do here?

After an early evening rest, I sat in the sunken garden, still half asleep. I don’t want to be awake. No energy at all, except for my agitation. Karaj and I talked. We need to start leaving the stragglers behind or we’ll all lose. Both of us have reservations about inviting our friends here because of the likes of Simran, Priya and Michelle.

Supervision. Priya was challenged because she started her 3-day plan with a negative! I contributed well to the session. The stragglers are not prepared to shed their thinking and follow instructions and procedures, or listen to (Karaj’s) advice. There is a connection missing in them. No spark.

I had a few minutes, so I made adjustments to my letter to Arun. It wasn’t quite right before and I knew (felt) it. This has been a good process both with the letter to Arun and to Francis: make a start, leave it, listen to my feelings, come back to it and finish it off efficiently. A satisfying process.

Supervision. I talked about the process of writing Arun’s letter. Karaj verbalised his feelings towards Simran’s presence tomorrow. With all the technology we now have in the office, his demonstrated negative effects could cause a lot of damage. This led onto a general discussion about what to do with the people who are holding us back (Priya, Simran, Michelle and, less so, Dev). We are poised to move forward and we cannot be held back forever. Why bother wasting any more time and energy on those people who are not (fully) committed.

Summary: A highly productive evening. Accounts, letter to Arun, to-do list and developments in our work and our direction. Amidst the agitation, there is a calmness which allows insight and positive reflection. Surely the calmness cannot all be due to the painkillers? [22.06.03 – Read appraisals from June/July 2001 and the calmness was there too.]


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