Go Back & Sit Down

Thursday 26 June, 2003

I spent time this week reading my appraisals:

  • 2-29 October 2001: the day my legs went numb, the operation and the recovery. What a period of my life. The pain I went through – physical, mental and emotional – is all there in black and white. A real turning point in my life and a struggle too. Where I am now has been earned. Every bit of it.
  • 4-10 November 2001: visions and dreams being realised all the time.
  • 10-17 November 2001: taking more and more control of my work and my life.
  • Sorting through all the pending paperwork, I found ten pages of my appraisal from October 2001. Again, the pain and the operation! What is this showing me?

[The answer came two days later. Following a conversation about the garden work we have done, I wrote this : ‘George read his garden story about getting involved in the buckets. He recalled the hard work, effort and teamwork, and as we sat in the client room listening, I looked at Imogen’s painting of the garden. It was good to listen to the story and to look at the results of our work. That’s it, I thought: remember the pain, look at the results and keep going.’]

Karaj talked about his first experience of Vipassana meditation. On day six he had approached the teacher, unable to stand any more of his body’s pains or his mind’s games. The teacher asked him, ‘Whose mind is it, Mr Singh?’ Mine. ‘Whose body is it, Mr Singh?’ Mine. ‘So why are you telling me? What can I do for you? That is precisely the problem, Mr Singh. Now go back and sit down.’ That was all Karaj needed to know about himself, his life and his problems.

Priya has been here this week. On her first evening, she was challenged once for creating confusion (jumping ahead with her new job instead of addressing the fundamentals of the role and getting those right first), and challenged again for not following instructions (she was trying to get it right instead). Today, Karaj and Priya discussed her issues and negativity. She is intelligent but she uses her intelligence to cover up her negativity rather than to win. I sat silently for most of the session, contributing only when I needed to (when Priya contradicted herself or talked rubbish). Her presence this week has made it hard for me to do any of my work. I am tired mentally with her around, and I’m not getting anything done.

Summary: A steady day. Good discussions in supervision. Tired this afternoon. Need to watch my contact with Priya. It’s almost as if she is lulling me into a false sense of security through our increased contact with each other. (She is like Samantha.) I have verbalised my tiredness to Karaj and Ishwar and I have tried, where possible, to limit my contact with Priya. Keep an eye on this over the weekend. My back has felt good today – don’t get cocky. I still have a very long way to go.


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