Letting The Negativity In

Monday 30 June, 2003

I awoke feeling tired. Simran called, talking about the arrangements for the group trip on 6th July. He sounded drunk, was unclear and nervous. Afterwards I reflected on the call. It annoyed the fuck out of me. Simran had asked Karaj yesterday afternoon about coming here today because he has the day off. Karaj had told him he will ring him this morning and if he doesn’t it’s because we are not around. Yet Simran takes it upon himself to call us. I did not want him here at all and did not want him phoning either. But then I did not protect myself.

Five minutes after Simran’s call, Harriet phoned to speak to Karaj. She asked me if we had the day off. This did not help my mood. First Simran calls and violates my space and then Harriet calls and asks whether we have the day off. Firstly, how can it be a day off when Simran has phoned in the way he did, and secondly, if we have a day off why is she phoning?

Went to the sunken garden to calm down. Not a good start to the day. I discussed the calls with Karaj. I should have put the phone down on Simran straight away. I am supposed to be focusing on myself and I have let Simran get to me. I rested. I felt very tired but my annoyance had gone, having talked about it.

In the supervision with Karaj and Shona, we discussed the need to protect myself. Simran had been told not to call and that’s all I needed to know. I should not have entertained his call in the slightest. I am setting myself up: I let the negativity into my space and then blame the world… like my dad.

My afternoon began with a headache followed by stomach ache. Karaj told me I have allowed the negativity into the day. A part of me wanted to argue with him, protest, but there was no point. He was right, and as much as I was annoyed with myself, I knew I had to learn from this. I relaxed a little. I have to face the consequences of my actions and I will. Karaj told me the note I had written to myself last night was a warning. I have reached the stage where my brain knows what’s coming next. I just need to listen.

I phoned Calvin about his son’s review meeting tomorrow. Later in the day Calvin called back. He has an issue at work and wanted to raise it early to avoid any emergency. So he, at least, is learning from the fines system.

Karaj and I worked late into the evening, sorting out his office; continuing the clear-up operation. Since Simran fucked our work in February, the office upstairs has been dormant. Now we are preparing to get back to work. He and I chatted about the events of this morning. Karaj: ‘You enjoy the negativity and you are affected by it.’ The way to support Simran and protect myself is to block him every time. Today has been a good learning point for this.

Also, the way I have taken Karaj’s comments on the subject. There has been a slight reaction from Child but on the whole they have been received by my Parent. The Child was present throughout Simran’s call. Had the Parent been present, I would have stopped the call straight away. Karaj: ‘So, we still have a long way to go to sort that out, but at least we know.

Summary: Good learning points, making a negative experience into a positive one.


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