All I Can Do Is Relax

Thursday 31 July, 2003

Went to the shops with Karaj to buy some bacon. Returned home with door mats, tarpaulins, marker pens, A4 files, pliers, paintbrushes, vegetables and fruit. Typical Karaj. Ishwar called to say he can’t make it tonight. He suggested to Karaj that the Wednesday Group continue, and that those who do not want to attend stay away. Karaj later said that this is no solution. The Wednesday Group will move to Friday, with the added benefit that Dev and Priya will be involved.

Read the rest of this entry »

Couldn’t sleep again last night. Not because of the pain, and not really because of any mental anguish. Just couldn’t sleep. Finally got off at about 03.30.

Read the rest of this entry »

Despite My Tiredness

Tuesday 29 July, 2003

Karaj suggested I not be around for the Wednesday Group (WSG) because of Harriet. She will be challenged and may well try to score points, or get me to rescue her, or whatever.

Read the rest of this entry »

More Conversations

Monday 28 July, 2003

For the second day running I slept until noon and then chatted with Karaj. We talked about cancelling the Wednesday Group (WSG) and just having Fridays and Saturdays. Then we talked about him and me. Why am I here? Karaj doesn’t know why I am in his life. When things are cleared, all will be revealed to us. I am the only one who has actually done something here. Fundamentally, I don’t irritate Karaj. I am in his life but I do not intrude. Karaj’s battle is between his intellect and his instinct (which is not to be confused with feelings).

Read the rest of this entry »

Trust The Whole Process

Sunday 27 July, 2003

At midday Karaj and I chatted. He is under a great deal of stress with the responsibility of his work and the clients. We need to keep things ticking over and, if we are around in 2004, then we can look at doing something. We are both tired but there’s not much we can do about it. The stress he’s under is to do with not having a plan for the future; which direction to go in. Everything else is going well. ‘We’re tackling cultural scripts for fuck’s sake. Doing very deep work.

Read the rest of this entry »

Stay With The Confusion

Saturday 26 July, 2003

My day began at 09:00 with a planning meeting with Karaj. It finished at 03:00 after yet another of many conversations with him about my confusion surrounding my place in the house and whether to stay or leave. Throughout the day there were eight of us present (Karaj, Michelle, Serena, Calvin, Dev, Priya, Ishwar and me) and we spent the day digging the utility block and having supervision sessions.

Read the rest of this entry »

Wake Up To How Good I Am

Friday 25 July, 2003

Yesterday was Kelvin’s wedding. The whole day ran smoothly and was great fun. I socialised well, although at times during the evening I felt a little lost and on the verge of withdrawal. Nevertheless, I participated fully and benefited as a result. I need to wake up to how good I am, start seeing the qualities which others see in me and accept their affirmations when given.

Read the rest of this entry »

Too Arrogant To Surrender

Wednesday 23 July, 2003

We (Karaj, Shona, Serena, George and I) sat together for an hour and talked about my current situation. English culture means no allegiance or loyalty, hence the bets that I won’t stay. We never surrender to anyone and never surrender to ourselves. (Indians have loyalty). English arrogance is the problem.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dependence & Independence

Tuesday 22 July, 2003

I received a call from Calvin. We talked about his work and home issues. There is unrest in both. I told him to stay calm and just do his job. In the evening, I listened to the tape of my conversation with Karaj from two days ago on dependency and independency:

Read the rest of this entry »

Time For Reflection

Sunday 20 July, 2003

Priya, Dev and Simran arrived and the supervision started without me. When I realised this I was initially disappointed but then quickly felt the freedom and respect which Karaj was giving me in my reflection. He had told me yesterday to reflect over the next six weeks, not to worry about the work, and then inform him of my decision. In the supervision I talked about being at saturation point (hence the need to reflect). Karaj will leave me to it, otherwise he will interfere with my process. I am free to come and go but I have to approach Karaj rather than the other way around. I talked about not wanting to be dependent on Karaj as the others seem to be.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tired Of It All

Friday 18 July, 2003

Dev called this morning. I got annoyed with him and told him to be clear about what he wants and when he wants it. He complicates things so easily. I do that, too. With Karaj I was withdrawn and argumentative. He told me to ask him how he was feeling, yet when I did he instructed me to think about it. I suggested that maybe that’s why I don’t ever ask him, because he tells me to reflect on it first.

Read the rest of this entry »

I Wish I Could See What He Sees

Wednesday 16 July, 2003

Karaj: ‘You have to keep on giving and know that your environment is a reflection of yourself.’ I met with Calvin prior to his social services complaints mediation meeting. In the meeting I took notes as usual and the complaints were sorted to Calvin’s wife’s satisfaction.

Read the rest of this entry »

Just Keep Going

Tuesday 15 July, 2003

In the presence of Ishwar, Serena and Simran, Karaj said this: ‘I had two previous clients who came here to con me and prove me wrong. Simran (& Priya) are doing the same. Jonathan came here to seek the truth. That is why he is still here. So I have Jonathan and Ishwar working at the top level. Let’s move forward. George is getting there and he will bring Leon with him.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hospitality, Warmth & Humility

Monday 14 July, 2003

At the weekend, I attended a friend’s Sikh wedding. I spent a beautiful couple of days filled with love and laughter among good people. Everything worked so smoothly. Back home this evening I talked to Karaj, Shona and Serena about my observations and about the warmth, hospitality, faith, pride and respect of the people I met:

Read the rest of this entry »