I Need To Look After Myself

Tuesday 1 July, 2003

Calvin and I journeyed back to the house following his meeting with social services to discuss his son. His wife had been unable to contain her frustration and desperation. She arrived, announced she’d had enough and went to leave. Calvin talked to her, I got her some tissues and then the chair of the meeting talked to her. She stayed for the meeting and I talked to the social worker that this was precisely what Calvin and I had spoken about. She needs help. Fortunately, she stayed for what turned out to be a constructive meeting. I took notes, chatted to all the people involved, and conducted myself in a professional manner.

Ishwar and Karaj were at the house. I’ve had enough. People here all the time; all the negativity. But that’s the reason I’m here: to learn how to deal with it. Get through this and I’ll be all right. Karaj is in the same state but he’s smiling. We chatted about the social services meeting. Karaj: ‘Everything’s going according to plan.’ We also discussed Calvin’s work issue. Karaj told him to depersonalise anything his boss tells him.

In the late evening I was unable to rest properly so I went out for a short walk. Karaj joked with me when I left, saying, ‘Don’t leave me.’ I was not in the mood for jokes but went along with it as best I could: ‘Where the fuck am I going to go?’ That’s the truth of it. I have nowhere else to go. It’s a good job really, considering how I’m feeling.

I returned home around 23:00 and made tea and sandwiches. The first thing Karaj said when I returned and offered to make tea was, ‘Make me a bacon sandwich, will you.’ He was acting like a pathetic husband and I was not in the mood. Still, I made him one, and one for Calvin too. While the food was cooking I sat alone in the sunken garden, not getting anywhere. Karaj came down and asked me for my insights. I didn’t have any.

Calvin and Ishwar left at midnight.

Summary: Fucked and fucking myself. Verbalise. Yeah, right. I am not in a good space and I am entering a critical time of the year for me. My back nearly always goes in the summer. And with my withdrawal I am setting myself up to go down very quickly. I need to look after myself.


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