Stay For The Hell Of It

Friday 4 July, 2003

Still feeling low and demotivated. As if there’s no point in doing anything. Karaj: ‘I have fought for everyone, but with you there’s no need. You are where you need to be. You have done well and there will be no-one to hold you back if you decide to leave because you are now independent… so stay for the hell of it.’ Right now, this makes no difference to me.

I pastimed with Leon prior to the men’s group, telling him where I am at the moment. He told me I have an intellect which brings particular questions to the group, to situations and to issues; it is a talent and he gave me the impression that this comes because I question things so seriously. It made my situation seem more healthy than it feels.

Men’s group. We talked about parents’ behaviour towards their kids. Parents just need to talk. My dad didn’t talk about his life and so I could not relate to him (except through football). He did not talk about his divorce so, as a child, I was left with one version of relationships: they are painful and they don’t work; something I have recreated in my own life over and over again. [With one notable exception.]

Also, as a child I did not know what questions to ask and so relied on my parents to share their experiences with me. Which they didn’t. Even now I have problems in general conversations because I am unsure what to ask and whether I should ask certain questions which are actually harmless but which I think might be seen as nosy or personal.

The last people left shortly before 01:00.

Summary: Felt okay in the group because I did not allow myself to withdraw. Still feel fed up.


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