Tired Of It All

Friday 18 July, 2003

Dev called this morning. I got annoyed with him and told him to be clear about what he wants and when he wants it. He complicates things so easily. I do that, too. With Karaj I was withdrawn and argumentative. He told me to ask him how he was feeling, yet when I did he instructed me to think about it. I suggested that maybe that’s why I don’t ever ask him, because he tells me to reflect on it first.

I went for a walk in the early evening and sat in the park. I felt disillusioned, but found no answers; just a little bit of freedom. I recalled Karaj’s words from this morning: ‘When you’re low keep going, when you’re high, work; but always maintain the level.’ I don’t want to be around anyone. I thought about whether I want to stay. There doesn’t seem much point in being here. I’ll see out my ‘contract’ to do the accounts and go.

I rested for the remainder of the evening, even though George and Ishwar were here. I had no motivation to get up or interact. I was too tired and it’s time I looked after myself. I told Karaj I’m fed up and don’t see the point in staying. His words to me were: ‘You can go. Let me know when. Don’t just take off.’ He’s ready to leave too. A few more months, a year at the most. He complimented me that I had at least been straight and clear.

Summary: A tired day. Tired of everything. What’s the point of doing any work when Karaj tells me we’re blocked and I won’t move forward until I tackle the negative ones around me? How long will this continue? I have no motivation to do anything and I am not bothered about it.


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