Time For Reflection

Sunday 20 July, 2003

Priya, Dev and Simran arrived and the supervision started without me. When I realised this I was initially disappointed but then quickly felt the freedom and respect which Karaj was giving me in my reflection. He had told me yesterday to reflect over the next six weeks, not to worry about the work, and then inform him of my decision. In the supervision I talked about being at saturation point (hence the need to reflect). Karaj will leave me to it, otherwise he will interfere with my process. I am free to come and go but I have to approach Karaj rather than the other way around. I talked about not wanting to be dependent on Karaj as the others seem to be.

He explained that dependency leads to independence. I need to be dependent before I can be independent. Karaj: ‘Everyone is afraid of the next phase – being independent (and responsible) and they are trying to block the progress to the next phase.’ This explains why people are standing still and looking to Karaj for answers rather than moving on. Karaj’s answer to this was: ‘I am dependent on my clients and you. You provide me with therapy.

I need to think differently about this. Karaj is dependent on these people spiritually, psychologically and in his relationship with them. Every 18 months to two years doubt will creep in. That is normal and natural. Reflection is required. When Karaj and I get close, I get rebellious and the shutters go up. I spoke to Karaj about this but as soon as the discussion had ended I started to lose grasp of my understanding of it. He said the discussion was for me only as the others are not ready to hear what he had to say. [I gained greater understanding two days later.]

I called Calvin to give him feedback on a work issue. We chatted for a while and then, as I was saying goodbye he raised the issue of decorating his wife’s home. He had told Simran about this last week and neither of them had raised it with Karaj. Same old stuff. Simran was later challenged for not supporting Calvin… again!

I rested for a while before joining the group as they were giving feedback to Serena. There were eleven people present but I was not in the space to be in their space. I was quiet but sociable, and I contributed to Serena from a place I still have contact with despite my withdrawal. I highlighted the ease with which I can talk to her, her straightness, calmness and maturity. Karaj later complimented me on my words.

Summary: Good discussions with Karaj. I have thoughts about moving on but not like before. It’s not that I can’t handle things; it’s just that it’s time to go. Karaj said that, in order to reflect, I need to look at where I want to be at the end of my life and work backwards.


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