Dependence & Independence

Tuesday 22 July, 2003

I received a call from Calvin. We talked about his work and home issues. There is unrest in both. I told him to stay calm and just do his job. In the evening, I listened to the tape of my conversation with Karaj from two days ago on dependency and independency:

  • Work out where I want to be at the end of my life and then work backwards. That way I will make an informed decision. If I am worried about dependency then I will never be independent. Wanting to be independent is my rebelliousness, rather than allowing the process to unfold gently. In addition, the bets are on that I will not stay. (The Asians are loyal by nature whereas the English are arrogant and ‘independent’.)
  • Karaj and I are here together to sort our relationship with each other once and for all. And the quicker we do that the better. Using a football analogy: the wise manager knows he needs his players. He is dependent on them as the players are dependent on him. I am learning to serve. I have no real drive to do so because my drive was killed by my parents. They did not help me in my drive to become a footballer. Karaj: ‘If I can get some of that drive back for you then I have done my job.
  • When we reach independence people will want to talk to me as Jonathan, in my own right. Karaj: ‘When you are dependent on your teacher and make him responsible for your learning, the learning is deeper and one day you become responsible and it happens so smoothly.‘ (Dev: ‘I have a lot to learn so I get on with learning it.’)
  • I am using logic to perpetuate my script. No matter how I justify leaving here, if I leave here I am in script. My script says no-one can help me, don’t be dependent. Karaj: ‘Why won’t I help you? If you have love for me I can’t even die.’ The script is so powerful it won’t even allow us to receive or accept love.
  • Karaj has to become fully dependent too but he wants to be independent. So he has a struggle on his hands. Karaj: ‘If I have to go through it then so do you.’ I am doing this job because, at some level, I am trying to sort Karaj out so that I benefit in my goal to sort myself out. I am confronting Karaj, putting the reigns on Karaj. Karaj: ‘You have controlled my rebelliousness. Think what therapy you are providing me with.
  • Karaj: ‘You have contributed quite a lot to me. So who is doing therapy for whom? Who is the teacher and who is the pupil? Things are not as they seem. That means total dependency. When I am fully dependent, I’ll be independent.’ I need to think differently; from another perspective. Then I will see what he is saying.
  • Karaj told me, ‘You think I have sorted things out, but when you talk I think, “fuck me, he knows everything”. My problem is worse than yours. You became the bodyguard to sort me out and then you employed all the others (Dev, Simran, etc.) to make sure I didn’t stray.’

I reflected further on my life. There were feelings of sadness now and again. It’s like the end of a relationship and I have to go but I don’t want to. I have had this before with girlfriends: it would be easier to stay, but ultimately no good for me. I also felt the opposite: that I can’t leave here. It left me with the feeling that one day I want a companion, but that I have to sort my life out first. I want to see out my life quietly, meditating, doing yoga and being in the company of a great woman.

Summary: A very productive day by myself. Made good progress with my work and the language/life article, and also with my understanding of why I am here. I am here to get the best out of Karaj so that I can get the best out of me. That’s why Arun woke him up; but she has moved on. Even the most enlightened people have to come back to this life if they need to sort out their attachment. Feeling pretty good physically. (No cigarettes now for six days).


One Response to “Dependence & Independence”

  1. George Says:

    There is so much here that has come to pass. You have achieved what you worked hard for. Great to read and see.

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