Too Arrogant To Surrender

Wednesday 23 July, 2003

We (Karaj, Shona, Serena, George and I) sat together for an hour and talked about my current situation. English culture means no allegiance or loyalty, hence the bets that I won’t stay. We never surrender to anyone and never surrender to ourselves. (Indians have loyalty). English arrogance is the problem.

Karaj recounted the story of a man who had been with Krishnamurti for two years and then set up a place of his own in the south of France. Karaj’s comments summed it all up and told me all I need to hear: ‘If he (Krishnamurti) is so good why didn’t the man stay with him?’ Karaj turned to me and continued, ‘Don’t be like other Englishmen. You have an opportunity. Take it.

I read my language/life article.* Karaj asked me to read it all, which I did, although I felt it was unnecessary. He told me at the end that the part about him needs to be funnier. Then Shona chipped in: ‘You talk about being bilingual. I find it amazing that you have a cut off point about the bilingual Asians. Have you learnt nothing from us?

I barely had a chance to speak before Karaj came in saying, ‘No, that’s his cultural arrogance.’ It seems this simple article is getting bigger and bigger and now everyone wants to be included. I can’t be bothered with it anymore.

Karaj: ‘Your question about whether you are here to sort me out is a non-question. It is philosophical. You are here to learn and that’s that. When you transcend the question of teacher-pupil, pupil-teacher and who is who, your whole body will change.

As I packed my bags for a couple of days away, I reflected on Karaj’s last point. Having thought I had understood something, he has basically told me it’s all bollocks. What’s the point? He tells me the conclusions I’ve drawn are philosophical bullshit and that my article is no good unless it says how funny he is and includes all the bilingual Asians. Anything less makes me arrogant. I am angry.

Summary: At lunchtime I drove with Aubrey and his wife to Blackpool for Kelvin’s wedding. I am still carrying the shit from this morning. Where I am has followed me here. No surprise. I need to stay put and sort myself out, however long it takes.

* A heavily edited version of the article can be found here: ‘It’s Like Learning A Language’.

Related post: Surrender Can Be A Strength

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