Stay With The Confusion

Saturday 26 July, 2003

My day began at 09:00 with a planning meeting with Karaj. It finished at 03:00 after yet another of many conversations with him about my confusion surrounding my place in the house and whether to stay or leave. Throughout the day there were eight of us present (Karaj, Michelle, Serena, Calvin, Dev, Priya, Ishwar and me) and we spent the day digging the utility block and having supervision sessions.

Supervision. We talked about how Shona had got to me on Wednesday with her comments on my article. Karaj was unable to defend me at the time because I had brought something new – the article – when I was supposed to be reflecting. We worked through the PAC transactions (below), which was a big help to me. It made it clear that I am telling myself I have to keep working (1) which is a response to my own internal message that I am no good (2). When I communicate this to Karaj (JS), saying I’ll finish the accounts (3) and then leave, he just tells me to relax (4).

PAC-confusion

Instead of trying to rationalise the situation, I need to remain with the confusion if I am going to sort myself out, because only in the confusion can I handle the issue. Unfortunately, I tell myself there must be something I can do about it, which sends me all the way back to (1) and the whole cycle starts again, getting me nowhere. Karaj: ‘You cannot take the love. In saying ‘relax’ I am telling you that you’re okay, you’re intelligent, you’re loved.

Utility block. 101 buckets.

Supervision. Talked to Karaj about the cultural implications of where I am. We are moving the therapy forward through the stages: 1. Individual therapy. 2. Family script. 3. Cultural script. I am dealing with my Englishness (the arrogance, the independence). There is no way I can take this personally because it goes back generations. As a result of this it runs deep, but it still needs to be tackled.

Utility block. 103 buckets.

Supervision. Talked more about personal, family and cultural scripts. Serena challenged me on a comment I had made when she brought the ladder for us to climb out of the utility block hole. I asked her if she was going to come down and carry us out on her shoulder. She saw it as her father or brother being an idiot but I had meant it from my own perspective – both my grandfather and brother were fireman and that is how it seemed to me: that she was coming to rescue us. Karaj explained that it is important to consider not only the immediate environment – we were all knackered – but also the cultural aspects of people’s comments.

Utility block. 136 buckets (total for the day 340). This last session was the best, most rewarding work I have done in the garden in many months. I pushed myself to the very end but was still fully supported by the men with me in the hole: Ishwar, Dev and Karaj. By the end we were working as one; talking to each other, taking over from each other, watching out for and providing for each other. I have been hit on the head twice today. (The first time, Ishwar made sure I was all right and that was lovely). I need to be careful.

Supervision. We began with 15 minutes of silent reflection. The body is tired and the mind is quiet. Now we can do the mental stuff. We worked through people’s agenda items. Earlier on it had looked as though we would have to reconvene tomorrow but Karaj pushed the process on until all the items had been covered. I was very grateful to him for this. The last people left at 2am.

Chat with Karaj. I don’t want to leave here and I get emotional when I think of leaving. Karaj said that things always work out. Never as you expect, but they work out.

Summary: There is much turbulence inside me, so the physical work was good. Clarity from the diagram and conversations this morning. Despite feeling back to square one, I have learnt so many things over the past few years which help me to keep things ticking over. A simple example: I served the food today during the supervision; a basic and available task which I took up (rather than withdraw, sulk, or go down) because I know what’s good for me. I really appreciate Karaj’s efforts to get all the items done tonight so we are free tomorrow.


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