More Conversations

Monday 28 July, 2003

For the second day running I slept until noon and then chatted with Karaj. We talked about cancelling the Wednesday Group (WSG) and just having Fridays and Saturdays. Then we talked about him and me. Why am I here? Karaj doesn’t know why I am in his life. When things are cleared, all will be revealed to us. I am the only one who has actually done something here. Fundamentally, I don’t irritate Karaj. I am in his life but I do not intrude. Karaj’s battle is between his intellect and his instinct (which is not to be confused with feelings).

He added that he’d be upset if others left, but not if I went. Non-attachment. When he challenged me on Wednesday about the article, he wondered whether he had ruined my trip to Blackpool. I told him today that it had made me think, which means he was right to challenge me. That is Karaj’s struggle: he challenges from instinct and then his intellect comes in and he wants to apologise.

Karaj and I are both exhausted. Calvin called to check receipt of his fax. He asked me how I was, which was nice. I’m very tired, but mentally I’m okay.

Yoga tonight was tough, but a good workout. After spending half an hour chatting with Claire from the class, I reflected as I walked home: I haven’t had a chance to be myself at all in my life because I have spent it with girlfriends (and before that in my parents’ respective homes). These last four years have been a release from that pattern and now I am starting to grow and blossom.

Summary: Another quiet day. Karaj was not around when I returned from yoga so I got on with my to-do list. It is helping me in my reflection. So, too, are the talks Karaj and I are having. There is so much coming from them and I am doing what I can to record it all. I am very lucky because he has given me so much, and the two weddings have been opportunities to look at myself in the world, analyse what I am doing, and come back and discuss it all with Karaj.


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