Despite My Tiredness

Tuesday 29 July, 2003

Karaj suggested I not be around for the Wednesday Group (WSG) because of Harriet. She will be challenged and may well try to score points, or get me to rescue her, or whatever.

At the counselling appointment I had been using to for a few months as an opportunity to talk about whatever I wanted with a blank slate and a fresh start, I talked about my friends and my qualities, and that I need to see in myself what others see. I have many positives. I felt as though I was not praised by my parents, except for being cute. I recall, instead, being mocked by them; and I went along with it because it made people laugh. As a result, I have taken up the role of the adorable clown, allowing the ridicule, and leaning on my cuteness (and my manipulative side) to gain strokes from my parents. That was my strategy (driven by Please Others and Be Perfect drivers, and a propensity for taking things personally.)

I perked up through the course of the session and got a little emotional as I talked about how much I have to offer. Not as emotional as Hazel though, who had more than the odd tear in her eye. Hazel is the volunteer (person-centred) counsellor, and at the end of the session she told me I had lifted her too.

Reflection. Feeling physically very tired; exhausted from walking all over town looking for a shirt for Sonny’s wedding. Mentally I am okay, though. If only I can see my qualities, then life will be very different. Now I can see what I am doing to myself, it’s annoying me. Karaj tells me this is good because it means I will do something about it.

Chat with Karaj. Karaj said we both have the same problem: we both want to leave and run off but we are both determined to stay.

I talked about a thought I’d had after Kelvin’s wedding: that Karaj might ask me not to go to Sonny’s wedding and that, if he did, I would have to choose. That is what he talked to me about years ago: that the time would come when I will have to choose between my peers (the men’s group) and Karaj, and if I chose the men then I would have to leave. Karaj put my mind at rest, saying that if he’s not having fun then at least I should have some. When the time comes to choose, it will be a true dilemma. This one is not a dilemma (it’s not even an issue).

We need to relax and let the opportunity arise. Don’t force it. We don’t know our direction but we must be prepared for it when it comes. We do that by carrying on working steadily. Procedures.

Summary: Managed to update my to-do list a day earlier than planned. A good counselling appointment and good chats with Karaj. I am communicating with him well at the moment, which is good because the last thing I need is to withdraw into myself. I am slowly seeing the need to be patient and understand that our direction will come. All we can do is keep things ticking over. Despite my tiredness today, I have done well.


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