Move Forward & Lead

Saturday 30 August, 2003

I feel like I’m falling apart. Karaj reassured me: ‘You are doing well. All the pain is your script. We are coming to the end of your 2-year period after your back operation and your script is trying to keep you in the place you’ve been for so long.’ In the evening everyone else tidied up and I was left to await the birthday celebrations. Shona had made a beautiful cake – a bucket scene just like the excavation of the utility block. It brought a real smile to my face. People’s feedback was touching, especially from Dev, George, Leon, Shona and Karaj:

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Karaj Is Looking Out For Me

Friday 29 August, 2003

Karaj and I talked this morning. It helped to talk with him about where I am. He spoke of my courage and strength, and how I have helped him sort himself and his practice out. He explained that what I need to do is look at those around me, ask questions such as, ‘Why are they not moving?’, and the answers will help me sort myself out. Also, rather than trying to sort out my pain, just know that it can and will be sorted out.

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Slipping Down

Thursday 28 August, 2003

The last four days look like the beginning of the end of my time at the house. I am exhausting what physical and mental resources I have left, and although Karaj continues to provide support and encouragement, it is looking increasingly as though it will not be enough.

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Trying To Prove Myself

Sunday 24 August, 2003

Yesterday, on the final part of my journey to the house, I bumped into a very old friend, Will, with whom I had long since lost contact. It was lovely to see him again; especially considering that our last meeting in 1997 had not been the best. When I talked to him about how little I have – whilst my friends all have houses, relationships, families, good jobs, cars and money – he offered me some perspective because he has even less than I do. He helped me see that I have more than I realise. Much more.

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Why Am I So Hard On Myself?

Saturday 23 August, 2003

Nine days ago, I met up with Eric in London and we flew together to Spain to work on his house. We worked on various building projects: tiling one of the terraces; building a barbecue; and erecting a structure to support part of the ground floor ceiling. It was great to spend time with Eric. What follows are the insights from my time with him and his family. (Karaj told me to contemplate a return to discipline while I am away.)

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Wedding Feedback

Sunday 10 August, 2003

Sonny and Lily got married yesterday, on the hottest day of the year. At the church I became involved quite naturally in ushering people into the building, where we all sat and baked throughout the ceremony. Sonny’s father read a touching piece entitled ‘Apache Blessing’, which brought a tear to my eye. It’s easy to see where Sonny gets his character from. His dad is just like him: a talker, a listener and a positive person who I did not hear say anything negative all weekend. He was a joy to meet and experience; a man whose personality stands in stark contrast with that of my own father.

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A Lucky Escape

Wednesday 6 August, 2003

In the evening, Karaj, George and I dug the floor between the utility block and the conservatory (118 buckets). Karaj found the pipe he had predicted was there. That’s the thing with Karaj: he gets what he wants because he never gives up. The downside of this, according to him, is that he attracts people (clients) who do not help themselves and he ends up giving everything and getting nowhere. Karaj: ‘That’s the wisdom I don’t have.’

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Order Out Of Chaos

Tuesday 5 August, 2003

A letter arrived from Robert. He has sent us our documents and wiped his PC of our work. The tone of his response was official and childish; it still hurts him that he left. As Karaj said the other night: people are mad at Karaj when they leave because they know they may have blown their last chance.

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Earning The Right To Celebrate

Sunday 3 August, 2003

I met myself in the newsagents this morning. The owner started telling me that the world is overpopulated. I was backing away by the end of our brief conversation. It showed me how I used to be and how far I have come. What a relief.

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Re-Parenting & Taking Charge

Saturday 2 August, 2003

Supervision (Karaj, Priya, Dev, Michelle, Ishwar George, Shona and me). Re-parenting. Because my parenting as a child made me wrong in some way, my own Parent began to bash my Child; a behaviour which continues to this day. Now, any re-parenting I receive will have the same effect as the original parenting because that is how I am ‘built’. However, the motivation behind the re-parenting is totally different (to the original parenting) and eventually I will reach a place where I no longer take comments personally. There will be no self-bashing, no embarrassment, or thoughts of ‘I’m wrong.’

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That’s More Like It

Friday 1 August, 2003

Awake. The tiredness seems to be getting worse. Simran arrived 09.05 and the two of us sat together with Karaj. They talked about the Wednesday Group. Simran argued half-heartedly for its continuation. Karaj put him straight that we cannot afford to take any risks. It is still 2003 and things will get more and more difficult as we reach the end of the year. There was also mention of how light things are here now that Kuldip is no longer around.

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