Trying To Prove Myself

Sunday 24 August, 2003

Yesterday, on the final part of my journey to the house, I bumped into a very old friend, Will, with whom I had long since lost contact. It was lovely to see him again; especially considering that our last meeting in 1997 had not been the best. When I talked to him about how little I have – whilst my friends all have houses, relationships, families, good jobs, cars and money – he offered me some perspective because he has even less than I do. He helped me see that I have more than I realise. Much more.

Supervision (Karaj, Simran, Dev, Priya, me). We went through agenda items for two hours and then discussed my week in Spain and yesterday’s chance meeting with Will. It centred around the fact that I do not know who I am, or I cannot accept who I am, and that I’m constantly trying to prove myself to… to whom? Life is an illusion. It is all a fraud. That’s the truth. Live it. I am doing well and moving towards I’m Okay You’re Okay, which takes courage.

Allow the analysis to flow. (I remarked that I’ve had enough of analysing everything – not that I have any choice in the matter because that is what I have always done). Karaj continued, telling me that one day I will see the nature of life and I’ll be okay. I am in a struggle and that is good. I am able to verbalise my struggle which is positive. Others cannot or do not know they are in a struggle. All is not as it seems.

Later, whilst digging the utility block – 200 buckets – my thoughts turned to what I want. What I want more than anything is to be fit and healthy. Yesterday, Will had reminded me that I was always fit and sporty. And whenever I wish for something it is always my health. So get on with it.

Supervision. Simran needs to serve. Maybe he’s ashamed to serve. In my feedback for the day I said I need to get back to health through discipline. Karaj told me, ‘You’re doing very well. Your friends are saying you’re doing very well and with all your pain and disability I have never seen you shirk physical work, because you will do what you need to do to find the truth. Until December, close yourself down, get back to discipline and prepare for even more fun next year. You have excelled this year.’

Thought: I make my silences wrong. It’s okay to be quiet but it’s important to verbalise.

Summary: I got to the bottom of things from Spain: I am trying to prove something instead of just being who I am. This helped me to see that I want the discipline of a healthy life and that it’s also what I need. It’s okay to be quiet as long as I don’t withdraw. It’s okay to be serious so long as I am not arrogant.


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