We Are The Sum Total Of Our Experience

Friday 26 September, 2003

Supervision (Karaj, Simran, Calvin, Shona and me). Michelle takes away my energy. She is good company but she infuriates me. Karaj (prompted by Shona) talked about his loneliness: it is a spiritual and philosophical loneliness. He and I are surrounded by people, yet we are still alone with our pain. He  talked about not being able to see properly as a child until he received glasses at 16. That’s another reason why he is such a brilliant therapist. He sees things differently to us. He see things as they are, without the conditioning.

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Personalise Challenges

Thursday 25 September, 2003

Karaj, Shona and I talked about last night’s session. Karaj said we’ve made a good start and the fact that he was not present meant that we could approach it gently, rather than with the intensity which typifies his work. The main learning point is to personalise challenges to the individual concerned. With Ishwar last night, when he told me just to talk about my pain I became frustrated because if it were that easy I would not have asked people to help me. My response was to equate his suggestion to asking Karaj to talk about the pain in his life, which he has been unable to do for years, up until this week.

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An Examination Of Pain

Wednesday 24 September, 2003

Simran arrived at 17.40, and Calvin called to say he was on his way. He has received a reply from his boss about his work appraisal, to which he needs to respond by close of business in two days. Calvin is bashing himself up for not having got his response in first. It serves him right. I helped Simran with the food. He still irritates me but that is my issue, not his.

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Helping Each Other With Our Pain

Tuesday 23 September, 2003

After waking up feeling stiff in my (right) shoulder, neck and lower back, I wondered whether I might write something about my pain. It feels daunting and yet I can’t think of what to write. Karaj gave me some pointers, but even his help did not motivate me in any way. We talked about how, yesterday, neither of us was willing to look at our respective pain. We managed to address Karaj’s with his résumé because that was a job, and together we completed a task. I need to approach my pain in a similar way.

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I Will Be Beautiful

Monday 22 September, 2003

Yoga. Short programme. I’m very tired and could easily have avoided exercising, but I didn’t want to. This is the sixth day running, and the sheer discipline of it is doing me good. My body is hurting; not because I am overdoing it, but because I am doing it. My script wants me to be ill, disabled, and I know that. This pain does not surprise me and is not getting me down. I am tired but I am also hyper. Things are going well for me and I am motivated, but I need to slow down. Karaj is manic too.

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Moving Forward Together

Saturday 20 September, 2003

After breakfast, George and I made a start on his report to the head of his school. He wasn’t clear on the overall picture and when Karaj came he initiated a detailed analysis, giving George the headings he needs to consider. The point here is that, once again, we should aim to exceed expectations when we write such things.

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Working With The Ego States

Friday 19 September, 2003

I did not get to sleep until about 02:00 last night despite going to bed early. After a planning meeting this morning, with Karaj and Simran, I did my exercises. I felt energised afterwards and had a couple of insights during the session: 1) I needed to have carried on working last night because I couldn’t sleep anyway. 2) I appreciate Simran’s presence when he is here (and how Karaj deals with it) because he works with Karaj and I am free to get on with my work.

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My Attitude Has Changed

Thursday 18 September, 2003

Falling asleep last night I could feel the tension in my body (back) and I had to concentrate to calm my breathing and relax. I slept soundly until 06.00 and felt fine when I awoke. I fell asleep again around 07.00 and when I woke my groin was extremely stiff. Maybe I should be getting up at 06.00. (I felt more awake then than at 08.40.) Karaj confirmed this later: ’Do whatever it takes to get up and don’t go back to bed.

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Talking About Talking

Wednesday 17 September, 2003

After a full day of work and exercise, I spent the evening in conversation with Karaj. We talked about how well I’m doing and how hard I’ve worked to get here. Karaj told me my annoyance is my biggest problem. I know what he means because I get annoyed unnecessarily at things which just need dealing with. There is really no need to get emotional.

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The Ultimate Commitment

Tuesday 16 September, 2003

Two days ago, after Karaj left for London to take a few days off, I reflected on where I am: I’m feeling good. Physically I am still in pain but I have motivation to exercise, even though it is tough right now. There is a numbness in my left leg and especially in my foot which seems worse than usual, coupled with the uncomfortable pain in my groin. I wonder what’s happening to my leg. Simply observe. Don’t try and do anything. It was a quiet, yet productive day. I spent time with Simran which was fine. He did not irritate me and it was clear that he is doing his best to sort himself out.

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The Analysis Workshop

Saturday 13 September, 2003

I had woken up yesterday feeling good physically and mentally. It was the best I have felt in weeks. Unfortunately, I woke up this morning in a very different mood: annoyed, because my back had seized up. I also had Simran, Dev, Priya and Michelle traipsing thorough the space where I sleep, which just made things worse.

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From Pain To Parental Influence

Thursday 11 September, 2003

I felt resentment at having to get up this morning. I am tired and my body hurts. I went for a walk and could barely make it out of the front door because of the pain in my groin. By the time I limped back, my left knee was hurting too. I rested for over two hours on my return, absolutely drained and pained. I rested again after lunch – no energy, no motivation; nothing left but pain – and again in the early evening, although I couldn’t rest properly because of the imminent arrival of everyone for the early start to the weekend.

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Pinpointing My Irritation

Wednesday 10 September, 2003

I woke up tired, stiff and in pain. My back and legs ache. Karaj talked to me about my irritation. He told me he’d had a great insight last night. He realised that I get irritated, like my dad, by people who I think are beneath me and who are doing well. (Simran & Priya?) I listened to what he had to say, but there was little point in responding straight away because I needed to think. There’s nothing more irritating than being told why you’re irritated, when you’re still irritated.

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They Fuck You Up

Tuesday 9 September, 2003

I woke up with a very stiff back. It was hard work getting up off the floor. At my counselling appointment, I talked about how I was born into an environment where my parents were unhappy and arguing. I must have thought ‘Fuck this, I’m off back where I came from’, because I stopped breathing. Literally. An emergency operation meant I survived, so maybe it was then that I decided to live and sort myself out. I still closed down a lot so as not to see what was going on around me, until such a time as I could deal with it. That time is now.

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