Don’t Walk Away Now

Tuesday 2 September, 2003

I woke up tired; stiff from sleeping on the floor; and with a number of aches and pains. The muscles on both sides of my lower back are seizing up and I’m still feeling down about everything. There seems no point to it and the thought of spending another 30-odd years in this life does nothing to lift my spirits. I’ve uncovered so much shit over the last few years that I no longer have any idea who I am. Paradox.

I feel angry. Angry at nothing in particular and yet angry at everything. Wandering around the bookshop in the late morning, I read a poem by Walt Whitman in which he wrote that all the things he appears to be are not him at all, and that the only thing that matters is love. A timely message for me.

I talked with Karaj on his return from London. ‘Relax and don’t try to come out of this low’, he told me. ‘Ride it out and then the high which follows may last for 2-3 years. Do what you need to do because your presence here is enough and each contribution you make, no matter how small, is appreciated. We are at the edge of a breakthrough. Don’t walk away now. We will take our work to Germany and we will be appreciated there.

On the illusion of the world, he said: ‘Don’t look to see the illusion; that is very high level enlightenment. Not even I can see that, although I get glimpses now and again. Look instead outside yourself, get away from the self-centredness, and see others around you. They have the same problems – suffering is universal – so what are they doing to cover up their pain? People work so hard to avoid confronting themselves, that they succeed in life as a consequence. Many do not even know they have problems, but you do. You know there is suffering because you suffer, so look to others and ask: ‘How are they avoiding their suffering?’’

Summary: Started the day feeling very low and in pain. Picked up some momentum and worked well in the evening. Good conversations with Karaj. I need to take things very steadily right now so that I don’t blow it. After all, I’m doing well! If I don’t relax I will end up walking out and straight back to square one. This is new ground for me because I would normally have moved on by now, so take it easy.


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