I Just Need To See It

Thursday 4 September, 2003

Karaj told me I’m thinking too much and that I can’t see what he can see in me. He explained the difference between the two of us: he knows what needs to be done, how long it will take and he appreciates that things take time, whereas I want everything to happen quickly.

Furthermore, I cannot see how well I am doing, how well the house is doing, and how well the clients are doing. If I could, I would be relaxed and in a much better frame of mind. I don’t see anything because I’m only interested in getting to the end which, ultimately, means death. Karaj added that when you see that death is all there is, it is the most liberating realisation.

We talked further and I commented that I never came here to make the business a success. I did not have any agenda. Karaj replied that this has been one of my greatest assets. Those who come here with agendas fail. He continued, saying that taking a job elsewhere would solve nothing. It would only transplant my misery. I needed to lie down after all this. My back was starting to really hurt (for no apparent reason) and I was beginning to lose my grip on our conversation.

Later in the evening, Sonny phoned. He told me I had been a big hit with so many people at his wedding – young and old alike – and that people are still asking after me. Wow. Look what I’m missing. When I shared this with Karaj he responded in predictable fashion: ‘And you say you don’t know where you are heading! Now, for fuck’s sake, can you start seeing how good you are?

Summary: Good work today and good chats with Karaj. I need to instigate them more often. Sonny’s call brought more confirmation of how well I am doing, which is what Karaj keeps reminding me of. The call lifted me and I am still taken aback by his feedback.


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