It’s Your Choice: Brilliance Or Pain

Friday 5 September, 2003

In this evening’s men’s group there were comments to me from Karaj which prompted me to reflect on aspects of who I am.

  • During a challenge to Simran, Karaj told me: ‘You have the energy and the intellect but you go towards pain and failure. I can challenge you but I cannot challenge Simran’s deviousness.
  • At one point, he commented on my please others driver: ‘You have tried to please me and have never succeeded, yet when I compliment you, you cannot take it.’ That is my problem in a nutshell.
  • I reflected on success and failure, concluding that I choose failure so people are not mad with me. When I was young, for example, I would deliberately lose some games with my brother so that he would not get annoyed (with me) and would carry on playing.
  • I like to get people to question themselves and their lives, and that is why I am with Karaj because he challenges me to think. He provokes thought and analysis about myself and my life.

After the group, I chatted with Karaj in the loft while the others cleared up and left. I am being cornered by my brilliance: I am being challenged every day to see it and I am being shown it every day. It’s time to see my brilliance. Karaj: ‘Either choose your brilliance or stay with your pain. A simple choice

I talked about why I choose failure: With my brother so as not to upset him and also to make up for the fact that I was dad’s favourite and that dad treated me and Andy differently as a result. I was a failure with my mother because that way she would not be confronted with the life she never had. And I was a failure with my father so that he would not be exposed as a failure himself. On the face of it, my dad supported me in my football, but did not give me the feeling that he was there for me. He was certainly not there when it mattered. The difference here, in this house, is that I am supported by people who want me to succeed, starting with Karaj and including the whole group. It’s a totally different approach to life.

Summary: A full and varied day. It was filled with the completion of tasks, exercise and a men’s group; as well as good conversations with Karaj leading to fresh conclusions about my life. That’s the beauty of my job. And my life.


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