A Determination To Succeed

Saturday 6 September, 2003

We (Karaj, Dev, George, Shona, Priya, Michelle, Ishwar and me) looked at the agenda items for the day. Priya started by annoying me. She was incapable of switching the electricity on in the sunken garden tunnel. She was unsystematic, playing at being useless and inviting rescue. (After the session, we labelled the plugs in the tunnel.) As with last night, there was a comment to me from Karaj when we discussed the format of the to-do list. He said, ‘You can do whatever you like as long as you’re having fun.’ A departure from how things used to be a couple of years ago, and something I have earned through my hard work.

People’s Scripts In Their Answers

Supervision. We worked on agenda items. Dev’s to-do list was first. We each took a day. I raised the issue of Dev checking his work with people. On the face of it it seemed okay but was he doing it because of doubts and insecurities about his own ability and work? His answer was an explanation of each example, which I accepted, but I was suspicious because he did not relate to me, or engage with my question. He was immediately defensive.

When he eventually told us that this was indeed the case – that he felt defensive, as well as guilty and accused, and was therefore incongruent – he was relating to me (us) and I no longer had any suspicions about his answer. I had been accurate throughout; raising the issue because it’s what I saw, and verbalising my feelings regarding his response. The issue also brought other people’s scripts to the fore, highlighted by their own responses to Dev’s answers:

  • Ishwar – ‘Why couldn’t he say that to begin with?’ – No forgiveness.
  • Michelle – ‘I didn’t understand his first answer because I don’t know his job.’ – When she comes from feelings, she is accurate, but when she tries to understand (with her head) she is rubbish.
  • George – ‘His first answer was fine.’ – Logical, but he missed the psychological aspect.

Another Head Wound

At around 15:30 it was time to get changed, ready for the garden work. After feeling the tension in my back last night, I was unsure whether to get involved in the actual digging, but when Karaj and George went into the hole in the utility block I followed them because I preferred to be with these men than be isolated.

We made slow progress on the digging. Everyone seemed cautious. Right at the end, just as we were about to take a break, a ceiling jack, which was being used to brace the walls, fell on my head. I had just taken off my safety helmet (it was hurting my head due to a bruise on my forehead from a knock earlier this week). I felt immediate annoyance that this has happened to me again (see here and here). ‘Every fucking time!’ were my words as I climbed up the side slope and out of the hole. The thing was that, as soon as I was struck, I had a choice. The power of the blow nearly knocked me over and I could easily have gone down, but the strength and force with which I remained on my feet also took me up and out of the hole. There was a determination in me to carry on, overcome it all, and win.

George shouted clear instructions to get me out of the hole – which I achieved under my own steam – and go with Michelle. Karaj instructed everyone else to continue emptying the buckets, and came with me. While Michelle attended to the injury – blood was pouring from my head – Karaj talked to me and massaged my shoulders as I bent over the sink, cold water running over the wound. He told me to breathe deeply. He was there for me; he was there with me. I shed a tear at my plight – ‘Why me? Why my head again?’ – but there was no use in crying. I had stayed standing. I had moved with a determination that was unquestionable, and I was all right.

Negative Thoughts

Later, back in the group, I talked about the lintel story at Eric’s in Spain. I’d had negative thoughts there. I was wise to keep them to myself and say nothing to Eric, but this is my problem: I have negative thoughts and as soon as they come, they have consequences, whether immediate or delayed, as on this occasion. As far as the script is concerned, I need to be vigilant ALL the time.

I rested and reflected on what had happened. The vigilance also applies to my mental process. I need to be aware of my negativity. I spoke to Karaj about this and he told me it’s all I have to do. It is important that I don’t attempt to do anything about the thoughts; just be aware of them. The next step is to be with others and see the same in them. As a result of this I will automatically change. (Right thought is the goal but do not do anything. Just observe myself and observe others.)

A Determination To Succeed

Summary: Today has been life changing. I saw for myself my will and determination to live and succeed. Karaj explained that I made this choice (subconsciously) at a time prior to the accident – maybe a few seconds or minutes, maybe last night after our chat, or maybe earlier. The point for me is that today I made it conscious and it is indisputable evidence that I want to sort myself out. This marks the end of my reflection period. As a group we were all very cautious today. Overcautious. We must have known somehow. This is the power and unity of the group and yet still the script strikes. I need to be very careful in the next few months.

I spent an hour typing up the events of the day. I had to do it tonight. It has been a very positive day for me and, after being challenged again and again recently to see my brilliance, I saw something of myself today which I was not fully aware was there: my determination. I clearly think that I am worth saving. I’m brilliant after all.


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