See What You Can Make Of Yourself

Monday 8 September, 2003

Karaj and I talked. He told me that at 14 (maybe earlier) I decided not to be like my father and to live. That means that any thoughts I have of not wanting to live are my father’s; hence my struggle. Karaj added that this has what my reflection has been about and that he had to let me be. Anything he might have said (‘Pull yourself together’, or ‘Get out’), would have made me out to be a failure. Leaving here would have had the same effect. Now, although I am tired and have reduced motivation to work, I am more at ease with myself. I have a lot to get my teeth into (without actually having to do anything):

  • See my brilliance.
  • Observe my negativity.
  • See the same in others.
  • Live my life.
  • Heal myself.
  • Have fun.

Supervision. I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Shona raised the fact that her energy level went down when she saw Simran. That’s what he does. Later, I noticed I was feeling a little tetchy. In my office there were Karaj, Simran and Shona. Two of them were annoying me and the third, Karaj, was issuing orders. No wonder I have no energy.

In the late afternoon, I took ten minutes and sat on my own in the sunken garden, to get away from people. Simran has been here on six out of the last seven days and Priya is coming here tomorrow evening and will stay the night. Karaj told me when I got back from Spain last month, that the office is closed much more than we said it would be. It’s clear to me, however, that the office is not closed at all. People just come and go, and for peace I am having to flee to the loft.

Indeed, I was lying down upstairs  – to get away from Simran, rest my back and legs, and to get some energy back – when Simran disturbed me with a phone call to remind me of my yoga session (even though it was Karaj who asked him to do it). When I came down the door was blocked and I had to wait for Simran to sort it out before I could get into my own office. More annoyance. I walked straight out and into the garden to collect my thoughts and, once again, to get away from Simran.

Yoga was hard work and painful. I felt like giving up because it was too difficult and hurt too much. I wondered why I bother at all, but I didn’t give up. My left leg seemed to go numb (approaching cramp in the hamstring area) during a shoulder stand. Keep an eye on this. I returned to find Ishwar in the office. Again, no space of my own. Again, I was annoyed. I chatted to him very briefly and then went upstairs.

Later I talked to Karaj about people always being here. He told me to look at Simran’s presence from another angle: ‘You cannot work when he is here so you are forced to rest. When you consider that you’ve been saying recently – When I’m busy, I’m okay – then maybe Simran is helping you to face something you don’t want to face.’ We hadn’t got very far with our conversation, when the phone went . It was Priya who, following her call this morning, was maintaining her 100% disturbance record for the day.

Karaj told her to phone back downstairs and he and I continued our discussion. He told me how lucky we are that these people are providing us with paid work as well as the opportunity to do personal development for free. He reminded me that I am no longer at the bank or in a relationship which drags me down. I am free of all that and doing what I enjoy. I smiled.

We talked again in the sunken garden, once everything had quietened down. I am in pain. Karaj told me the more I work on myself, the more the negativity and pain will come out. He continued, ‘Stay with it and in a few months you’ll be fine and probably won’t get injured either. Don’t bring the negativity back into things. You have dealt with your dad, and being negative will bring him back in. Leave him in the past and move forward and see what you can make of yourself.’ Karaj added that it had been a privilege to see what I did on Saturday. The way I took what happened and just got up, was great to witness.

Summary: I did very little today except get annoyed at everyone, including myself for being in pain. Good talks with Karaj, though.


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