Pinpointing My Irritation

Wednesday 10 September, 2003

I woke up tired, stiff and in pain. My back and legs ache. Karaj talked to me about my irritation. He told me he’d had a great insight last night. He realised that I get irritated, like my dad, by people who I think are beneath me and who are doing well. (Simran & Priya?) I listened to what he had to say, but there was little point in responding straight away because I needed to think. There’s nothing more irritating than being told why you’re irritated, when you’re still irritated.

At lunchtime, we talked again. Karaj apologised for telling me about his insight the way he did this morning. He had been too excited about it and couldn’t contain himself. He also said I excite him with the way I think and work, and that we are getting back to the relationship we had when we used to dig the garden on our own three years ago.

We looked further at the subject of irritation. This is the next phase in my development. I am irritated because it is learnt behaviour from my dad. It is not me, because I am a nice, caring man who does not irritate. The irritation stems from the notion that I cannot have what I want. That’s what my dad believes about his life and that is what he has passed on to me. The thing is, I am getting what I want and this will make my dad a failure. So, all hell is breaking loose: script, irritation, frustration, pain…

We need to tackle this gently, slowly and lovingly. My body is reacting to my success because it is the best way to stop my mind working. Karaj came to this insight with the help of Michelle and Priya. I am still unsure how it happened for him but it had something to do with their respective moods going down separately at the weekend, either side of my accident. Karaj also told me I need to find something specific in people when I am irritated rather than be irritated generally. That way I can deal with it, release myself and move on, otherwise I will carry them with me and go down.

Summary: The conversations with Karaj have helped me to see that there is something to work with as far as my irritation is concerned, but Serena’s presence tonight showed me that the irritation is still there. Of course it is.


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