From Pain To Parental Influence

Thursday 11 September, 2003

I felt resentment at having to get up this morning. I am tired and my body hurts. I went for a walk and could barely make it out of the front door because of the pain in my groin. By the time I limped back, my left knee was hurting too. I rested for over two hours on my return, absolutely drained and pained. I rested again after lunch – no energy, no motivation; nothing left but pain – and again in the early evening, although I couldn’t rest properly because of the imminent arrival of everyone for the early start to the weekend.

From 18:30 I welcomed people as they arrived. Priya annoyed me with her lack of manners. I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea and she just said ‘Yes’. When I later addressed a few people, asking them if they wanted a drink, she just said ‘No’. Well, at least she responded, although she seemed to be making an effort to be impolite. I challenged Michelle about putting herself down and interfering in my tea-making process. I am waking up a bit. Three painkillers this afternoon, so maybe tonight won’t be that tough after all.

Experiment in Self Healing Community (Karaj, George, Priya, Michelle, Dev, Ishwar, Simran, Calvin and me). Ishwar has been pissed off all week about work; it’s too much for him. His words were very reminiscent of how I am feeling. He needed to be reminded of his position and shown the positive nature of his boss’s memo to him. He goes to work to do his job, he does his job well, and he is doing well generally. Karaj told him: ‘So long as I am alive, no harm will come to you.’ A powerful affirmation. He also told the rest of us to make sure we support Ishwar. He is doing well but he needs our support.

When we took a break for food, Simran made the final preparations himself while Calvin, Dev, Ishwar and I stood around. Simran did not ask for help once. Karaj later said that next time he does it he is to be fined. Back in the group, Simran recounted his dream about his ex-wife, his sons, and sorting himself out. It’s vital we do not get distracted by unimportant details. Stick to the essence of why we came here: to sort our lives out. Keep that in mind and don’t allow myself to wander off my path.

For the next hour, we had a seminar on how we absorb our parents as children and how they pervade every one of our cells, such that it is difficult to clean ourselves of their influence. This confirms the process I have slowly been going through for the last three years. Moving away from my family has enabled me to see more clearly the influence my parents have had on me, and has also allowed me to sort those very issues out.

I appreciated Priya’s observation from last weekend when I seemed to be asking for Karaj’s help (on my issue of seeing people negatively). Her feedback was that because I knew what I needed, she saw the real me; whereas when I am irritated, that is my father.

George’s to-do list. George sets himself up with his negativity and lack of certainty about his life, job, and marriage. He is busy scoring points against his wife, when there is no need. Leave her alone. Just do your duty as a husband and remain unattached to any results of your actions.

It was after midnight when people left. I was inclined to go to bed, but I stayed up to record the events of today, and felt satisfied as a result.

Summary: It has been a tough week, especially today, but Ishwar’s issue is the same as mine and a reminder that I need to look at the long term-view. Tonight has been much better than I had expected and the seminar was very good. It showed just how deep the conditioning runs and how gradual the process needs to be in order for it to work. Not to mention the patience, commitment and support which are also pre-requisites for any chance of success.

Karaj told me he appreciated my presence in the group tonight. He liked what I said in the seminar about parents, and at the end of the night he said it’s good to see me back to my old self. I did feel good tonight too. The painkillers played their part in that, but challenging Michelle and Simran was natural and enlivening for me, and my contributions in the group were the same.


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