The Ultimate Commitment

Tuesday 16 September, 2003

Two days ago, after Karaj left for London to take a few days off, I reflected on where I am: I’m feeling good. Physically I am still in pain but I have motivation to exercise, even though it is tough right now. There is a numbness in my left leg and especially in my foot which seems worse than usual, coupled with the uncomfortable pain in my groin. I wonder what’s happening to my leg. Simply observe. Don’t try and do anything. It was a quiet, yet productive day. I spent time with Simran which was fine. He did not irritate me and it was clear that he is doing his best to sort himself out.

Yesterday I began to go down. I had neither energy, nor motivation. All I managed to do was go for a walk and do an hour and a half of yoga, both of which were very tough. I felt demoralised and frustrated by the pain in my groin and back. It’s as if I am not making any progress, when I know I am. I’m too impatient. Mentally I struggled, and this morning saw little change in that because my leg pain meant it hurt just to stand up. I saw the doctor and he put me back on Gabapentin, as well as more Tramadol.

By late afternoon, however, things began to shift. Karaj challenged Shona and I felt better, because Karaj’s presence and all he stands for was a timely reminder for me of what this place means. This environment is all about self-awareness and personal development and no matter how low I feel, I am most definitely in the right place. I’m where I need to be. (The painkillers are helping me relax, too.)

In the evening, Dev called and our conversation lifted me further, although having done a few hours’ work on the accounts, I no longer felt as low as this morning. Dev told me he sees me as having made the ultimate commitment to sorting myself out. I have turned away from money, material wealth, a house and a girlfriend in order to get to the bottom of my issues. We talked about my pain and how at times I wonder where we are heading and how it will all work out. As far as the pain is concerned, Dev and I talked about the need to relax, be with the pain, befriend it, and not try to sort it out. With my thoughts, the advice is the same. Be where I am fully, and relax. I know where I want to get to – Germany – and as Dev told me, I have a habit of getting what I want.

Summary: After a low start – feeling mentally and physically depleted – I got myself going naturally because I couldn’t lie around any longer. I did some excellent work for the rest of the day, and the conversations with Dev and Karaj were all about relaxing and knowing that I am in the right place and doing well.

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