Talking About Talking

Wednesday 17 September, 2003

After a full day of work and exercise, I spent the evening in conversation with Karaj. We talked about how well I’m doing and how hard I’ve worked to get here. Karaj told me my annoyance is my biggest problem. I know what he means because I get annoyed unnecessarily at things which just need dealing with. There is really no need to get emotional.

We chatted further in the loft about how I make myself wrong. It is learnt behaviour from my father. We also talked about my relationship with Leon and how it has deepened over recent months. It has helped me to heal myself in the issues with my father, by observing Leon with his son. Karaj said, ‘No matter how low you get about this place, remember two things: You have worked through the issue of divorce with Simran; and witnessed fatherly love with Leon. You have also seen what it is to be parents, with me and Shona.’ He added, ‘You need to talk; evaluate and analyse through dialogue with me, rather than through your negativity.

Our conversation moved to the sunken garden, where we talked about how well I have handled Kuldip, Arun, Robert and Harriet. They have been progressively bigger game players who in some way have been jealous of me, annoyed at my presence, or have tried to take over my job here. All have failed because I have stood my ground and dealt with each of them in turn. That shows me how well I have done because I am still here and I am stronger than ever.

Insight. One of the other lessons from this evening’s conversations is how I am focused on ‘Work is good, rest is bad.’ I make myself wrong for resting and think that working is better than talking. Think back to the feeling I had yesterday when Karaj returned from London and we sat in the garden with Shona. This place is so good because we talk, and I learn so much from every dialogue that occurs here.

Summary: An excellent day. Worked very well on the accounts. Exercised gently in the morning and evening, and benefited from quality conversations with Karaj. It seems that my conversations have moved onto a higher level because of the progress I have made. By that, I mean I have a greater understanding of my life, and I have opened up a whole vista of learning opportunities which are mine if only I talk. So talk. And well done today. (Prediction: tomorrow I will wake up in pain, tired, stiff and back to square one. But tomorrow is also another day and another chance to talk.)


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